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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

He stared at me a brief moment. Then – surprising me – he calmly put down his toast, picked up his coat, and walked out of the door I now held open.

He did not look back.

Thirty-Three

thirty-three:

– before –

A week after his sudden toast-eating visit to my flat, I received a message saying he’d set himself up in a flat round the corner from mine and told me that he wanted regular access to Jack. Fuck that, I thought. Shortly followed by: Fuck you.

After a sleepless night, the following morning I went straight to a solicitor. I sat in the waiting room rehearsing over and over again what I would say.

From the start, everything about the solicitor’s office was disappointing. I wasn’t sure what I’d been imagining, but it wasn’t what I got. The floor was a dull green lino and the chairs were constructed from metal and foam. The solicitor was a woman about my age and she wore an ugly blouse. She insisted on taking lots of details I didn’t want to talk about before listening to what was important.

‘He’s not a fit father,’ I said and I told her why.

She wrote everything down but she didn’t seem surprised or concerned. All the writing and no action made my chest ache.

Then she said: ‘We need to take action today.’

Hope flourished – I finally thought I was getting somewhere. ‘Good!’ I said, wanting to kiss her hand in gratitude.

‘First you need to read this guidance.’ She passed me a copy of something I didn’t want to read. ‘Then we need to fill out a specific court form. You need to be prepared that you’re going to have to attend mediation with the father because . . .’

As she talked through the process, I nodded along, but inside my hope began to wither. It became clear that it would take ages, during which Jack would spend unsupervised time with his father where anything – anything – could happen. I thought of Winston. I thought about my bruises and injuries he’d given me. She showed me the forms I would need to fill out and explained about his rights, and I just felt sick. To challenge him, she wanted crime numbers, complaints to the police and witnesses – I had nothing. Within just ten minutes, all my hope had died.

I excused myself to the toilet and didn’t go back.

Now I understood I couldn’t fight for Jack through a long court battle; nor could I sit around and trust other people to do what was right for him. Jack needed something quicker than that, but I didn’t know what.