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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

Nick didn’t know it either, because he kept going. Even when he might’ve stopped, he kept pushing the point. ‘Lese, please stop shaking your head. Think about what I’m saying. We need to come clean – we need to admit we aren’t coping. We will still visit and love him every day, but we tell them the truth. I rang my mum before you got home and I’ve discussed it with her. She’s agreed to talk to them, tell them what happened. I’ve told her everything about Jack.’

He pressed his hand to his chest and looked almost happy. ‘I can’t tell you how good it feels to have told her the truth. She’s horrified for us but fully supports us. She thinks it’s best to seek help too. Particularly in light of what’s happened at his school – she says they might get in touch with social services anyway. Don’t you think it’s best that we tell them before they do?’

He took my hand, squeezed it. ‘We love him but we have to accept that we’re not the best people to look after him. It’s not working. There has to be a breaking point – let’s do it while you’re still alive.’ He kissed my hand. ‘It might not need to be permanent. Perhaps there’s somewhere that can cure him.’

That’s when we noticed Jack standing in the doorway.

Everything then got very . . . smudged, but I don’t remember the details. Just the noise. The stinking, spiky cacophony of noise in our kitchen.

And then the duvet . . . but after the pills.

Always the pills.

Sixty-Four

sixty-four:

– before –

The day Winston died was the end of us.

It was deeply disturbing when Jack killed Winston. He said he didn’t do it, but when Nick came home and found the dog’s body in the hall, Jack playing Lego in his room, and the bloodied broom hidden under the sofa, it was clear what’d happened. The yelling got me out of bed.

I’d been in the flat, but I never heard anything, because I’d had the duvet over my head, my earplugs in and a large dose of fentanyl in my blood. In my defence, there was a reason I was hiding. I’d been very upset because the letter from Jack’s school had finally arrived. With shaking fingers, I’d opened it and read that the permanent exclusion had been agreed and was finalised. I’d phoned the local authority, listened to our remaining education options, and my anxiety had gone skywards. I just didn’t even want to look at Jack. But thinking of earlobes, I did remove the scissors – and then after a moment’s thought took the knives too and hid them in my room. Duvet up, I’d cried myself to sleep.

The next thing I knew was the shouting.