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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

I never used to feel like that. It’s only since I lost him.

But now he was back, leaning against the counter, pushing the last of the toast into his mouth and switching the kettle on again as easy as if he lived here, and I’d ignored the feeling since I saw him, but I couldn’t lie any more: I was so pleased to see him. Because between us was only ever a love story. A bitter, broken tragic story, but there was always a love that no one ever understood. Not even me.

Suddenly the separateness between me and him was so enormous, so overwhelming, I just wanted to drop to my knees and beg him to come back. As scared as I was of him, I wanted to tell him that I loved him. That I missed him. That I was sorry for all the things I’d done, that I got wrong, that drove him away. I wanted us to be a family again: him, me and Jack.

I gripped the edge of the Formica but instead I wanted to jam my hand in my mouth so I didn’t ask him to walk with me on the school pick-up. I wanted him back despite what he’d done to me, what he’d done to Jack.

But it was too late, I knew that. To think it, yes. To say it, no. So instead I managed to say: ‘I don’t like you being in my flat.’ And I sounded cold when I said it, as if I meant it.

‘Why not?’

‘Because you didn’t ask. Because you don’t live here.’ It was all I could manage. I could have said that to anyone and perhaps the reasonableness of this disarmed him because he only nodded as if he agreed with me.

He finished a slice of toast. ‘To be fair, I only broke in because I didn’t think you’d let me in.’

‘Because?’

He shrugged. ‘Because it’s been such a long time? Because I didn’t think you’d want me being around Jack?’

‘I don’t. It’s better . . . now it’s just me and him.’

‘I want to see him.’

I felt my throat close up. This is what I dreaded. ‘Why?’

‘Because he’s my son. Because I want to be a good dad.’

‘No.’ The abruptness of my answer was born of the certainty of my feelings. I would not allow it.

He watched me carefully. ‘You don’t have a choice, Lisa. He’s my son and I want him with me.’ When I didn’t say anything, he threw a bomb into my life. ‘I want full custody. Drug addicts shouldn’t be allowed to raise children, should they?’

I looked at his raised eyebrow and knew that he’d started a war. ‘Get out of my flat.’