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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

I went on my own every Wednesday night, telling Nick I’d joined a book group. If he noticed that I never seemed to be reading any books, he didn’t say. If Nick worked late, I organised a babysitter. The fact that I had money to pay for that and the therapy meant everything to me. Although Jack struggled to settle into nursery – perhaps not surprising given he’d had me to himself full-time and then was in daycare full-time – I determinedly dug in. He needed me to be stronger and money gave us a future with options.

When I went to the therapist the first time, I’d simply introduced myself, told her about my family and then pulled up my shirt to show her my stomach. When she’d seen, I stood up, unbuttoned my jeans and let them fall, so she could see my thighs, too. To reveal my injuries myself felt amazingly powerful – it was as if I was holding my head up and saying: Look at what’s happening to me. For the first time, I was calling the abuse out. Going to work had empowered me – now the process had started, it felt as if I could only grow stronger.

‘Your husband hits you,’ the therapist said.

I’d wanted to answer her in a strong voice but, sitting in the darkened plant-filled room, with its womb-like quality, I cried the release I needed instead.

The therapist didn’t say anything, instead she passed me a box of tissues. It felt like I cried for an hour straight. At the end, I stood up, thanked her and left. Because of the crying, I thought I’d be too embarrassed to go back again, but by the following week, I found I was looking forward to it.

The next week, I only cried for forty minutes, which felt like an improvement. After I had been going for two months, I stopped crying and instead spent the time processing what was happening to me.

The therapy kept me on track and, although it slowed my savings, I continued to put money steadily away, and before I knew it, Jack had started school.

Of course, therapy was good for more than talking about my family; it was also needed to talk about my most secret secret – the one that no one knew.

That my addiction problems had started again.

Sixteen

sixteen:

– before –

Codeine. Codeine. Codeine. How I loved thee from the start.

Addiction is a powerful curse. Like all addicts, there comes a time in your life when you realise firstly that you are addicted and secondly, that you have to make a choice. You either keep going on the merry-go-round with all the bright lights and fun that it offers (and if you think it doesn’t offer fun, then you’ve never been addicted), whizzing round and round and round, or you choose to step off.