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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

Jack. This second thought is the important one. Through the fire I feel my love for him. Just like his terrible, terrible birth, after which I swore, never again. I have handled pain before – that is what I tell myself when the smell makes me so sick and the fire is so bad that the world greys again.

I think of Nick.

Twenty-One

twenty-one:

– now –

I wake on my kitchen floor. This time the grey recedes quickly and I immediately know where I am. I am sharper; I feel the difference to before. The burning in my wrists and hands is ragged and rabid, an uncontrollable animal that stalks my mind, not waiting for me to open my eyes, before sinking its jagged jaws into my wrists, but I want to know.

I move my arms to test . . .

Yes. I am free.

Now I can get to Jack.

I shut my eyes when I bring my hands up in front of me. I feel the thrum of my heart in my hands as I lift them up.

I don’t want to open my eyes and see the damage. But there’s no time to waste, so I do.

Twenty-Two

twenty-two:

– before –

Just five days after Winston’s death, everything was different. Sometimes, one thing triggers another thing and before you know it, your world has irrevocably changed. I suppose it was several things coming together that finally ended our family life forever, but mostly that awful, terrible last straw that I don’t think about even now, that happened two days after Winston’s death – but also the letter, which I carried with me as Jack and I arrived at our new home.

A new town; a new home; a new us. This available-now-and-also-furnished flat was just behind the Bracknell high-street shops. Finally, my diligent savings had been put to good use.

My son stood nervously behind me, unsure. I rattled the key in the lock, muttering under my breath. When it gave and opened, I stood on the threshold and hid my sigh.

I’d only been here once, just two days ago. Although Jack had been with me, he’d sat, uninterested, playing a game on my phone. I was still so frightened after the terrible event that I’d had to hide my shaking hands from the lettings agent.

Then, it’d been a bright sunny day, a counterpoint to my misery – and the sun streamed through the windows. Inside, the flat had smelt of fresh coffee. Today, it was rainy and we’d had to dodge a huge puddle by the front door where the drainage must’ve been blocked and now I was standing in a flat that smelt of gravy and old socks. Of course, I realised, inexperienced me had been hoodwinked by the homely fresh coffee smell.