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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

He was so pleased and so was I: my mum would help us. She wasn’t afraid of anyone. Not even him. I thought of the light-hearted way she discussed him and thought: particularly not him.

It didn’t take long to get to my mother’s home. After she was finally released from prison, she had been allocated a small flat in a sheltered housing block by the local authority. She’d been quietly amused to be offered sheltered housing, declaring herself too young at sixty, but it’d turned out to be a good thing for her. She had been released on licence and the sheltered option had helped keep the probation service happy.

I found a space in the car park and turned off the engine. I suddenly felt a flicker of disquiet – what if he’d come here looking for us? The car park suddenly felt too secluded, the low morning sun catching on the shrubs and trees, casting long, dark shadows. I stared into them, watching for any flicker of movement. ‘Let’s go in and see Nana,’ I finally said, feeling irrational but spooked.

Jack picked up his bunny and I opened my door. I slid one foot out and stopped. My hand gripped the door handle. He’s here. The thought was so sure and clear that I felt it with an absolute certainty: He is here.

Fifty

fifty:

– before –

I froze, half in and half out of the car. The morning air pressed like a cold cloth against my face. The light was too bright for my stress-addled brain, and I felt afraid. I believed that my son was waiting for me, somewhere out of sight, watching me, knowing – somehow – that I would come here now.

Jack had opened the car seat and was climbing down.

Get back into the car! I wanted to shout. But I didn’t; I couldn’t. I could hear Jack’s little footsteps on the tarmac. I squeezed my eyes shut, my heart seemingly squeezing too as I expected my son’s voice to shout: Gotcha!

But instead Jack just knocked on the window. ‘No sleeps for you, Granny!’

The feeling of paranoia was so strong. I’d got used to living with it over the years, exacerbated by the codeine, of course. But the paranoia started when I began to perceive that my son was different and wanted to cover his behaviour up. I suspect that many parents with children who bite, or with children who hit, or with children who cry more than others, will know what it’s like to try to hide how much of a problem their child’s behaviour is. But for most people, the behaviour passes. Eventually time steps in and handles the problem by moving them on a stage.