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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

I saw what he held. The brown; the carefully painted blue. I had broken Peter Rabbit. Then I had a flash: I remembered banging Jack’s bedside unit with the vacuum; I saw it wobble . . . but then it had gone. I don’t know what happened afterwards. But I do remember I wasn’t thinking too hard. I was just singing and hoovering, singing and hoovering, singing and hoovering. It’d been such a nice day.

He stepped forward again, his jaw tight, his eyes hard.

I put my arms over my head to protect myself.

I wanted to have my headphones back in and listen to Queen and watch the carpet stripe as the vacuum lifted the pile. It felt good and orderly and neat and controlled.

But this was a mess of shouting and thin, reedy screaming as a top note trying to be heard. The screaming rose even higher and I wasn’t sure if it was me or Jack. It was all such a blur.

I couldn’t see him but I kept my eyes squeezed shut and tucked my head behind my knees making myself into a ball. But as frightened as I was, the codeine and diazepam made it a manageable haze. It was as if I had a thick duvet over me and even though his words landed like blows, and my mind fluttered like a nervous bird with questions, none of it was too bad. I couldn’t quite feel the impact of any of it through the duvet of the drugs.

As the codeine coated me in eiderdowns, and I felt the kicks to my kidneys, I felt that nothing was going to change. It was then that I decided my therapist was right: it did have to change. It was time to pack a go-bag.

Eighteen

eighteen:

– before –

Just when it felt like nothing was ever going to change, everything changed very quickly. A week after the attack I’d received because I broke Peter Rabbit, following the ideas I’d explored with my therapist, my go-bag – clothes, money, etc. – was packed and hidden in my wardrobe. Of course, I dreaded my husband finding it, but I piled things over the top of it and hoped for the best. Now I was poised for flight – just one more raised voice and that bag would’ve been in my hand and nothing would’ve changed my mind.

It’d been nearly two years since I had started my plan. It’d taken that long to save a decent fund, but I was there now, both financially and – after my therapy – emotionally too.