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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

I realised that that slipperless foot told me something else about that night, something about how suddenly she’d left her flat. (Or Mum’s. Maybe she left it in there!) I knew I should look up, re-establish eye contact. But I could only stare at her foot because I wanted to be the child; I wanted to hold someone else’s hand, someone bigger and stronger than me, someone who would take the lead. When I looked up, I’d have to be what I was supposed to be – the strong one – and take charge over whatever in my mother’s flat had caused April to feel so scared.

Perhaps she read my mind, because she took my hand in her own. It was warm and dry. ‘Lisa . . . your mum. I think . . . you should go in.’ Her tone was gentle, before it changed, becoming charged with imperative: ‘But not with the boy! He must stay with me.’

I wanted to snatch my hand back. I felt a sudden, almost absurd in its depth, stab of annoyance: of course I was going to go in. It was why I was here.

‘Now, before I call the P-O-L-I-C-E, shall I take Jack to mine and give him a biscuit?’ She had already dropped my hand and taken his before she finished her sentence. At the word ‘biscuit’, Jack had left my side and headed to April’s so familiar, many times visited, flat. She always laid pink wafers and Bourbons in a daisy pattern whenever Jack visited.

But she paused. With a sudden snake movement, her hand whipped out and grabbed my arm. ‘I didn’t leave the door open, Lisa – it was already wide open . . . anyone could’ve got in.’ And then she was gone.

I was left standing in the hall on my own, with no other option but to go inside.

Fifty-Two

fifty-two:

– before –

I didn’t want to go into my mother’s flat, not because of April, not because my mum hadn’t answered the intercom and not because I thought my son might be ranging around looking for revenge. The reason I felt sick as my fingertips touched the wooden door and paused was because my mum never left her door open. She was funny about it. Insistent, even. I would’ve thought after spending so many years in prison, she would’ve loved an open door, but she didn’t. She liked a shut door.

Always.

I knocked it gently. ‘Mum?’ I called in. The drop of dread hit my stomach, before I pushed the door slowly open and took a step inside the small, dark hallway. Somewhere inside, my mind screamed: Don’t go in, don’t go in!

But I had to, so I did.

Fifty-Three

fifty-three:

– now –