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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

I breathe deeply, trying not to cry. Instead I run through the facts. He’s here – he’s taken my shoes and phone to stop me from leaving. He tied me up and knocked me out. Perhaps he doesn’t want to kill me, but he certainly has something in mind.

I want to tiptoe up the first few stairs. Even if I don’t reach the top, I want to try and hear if they are in the cottage still. It’s risky – the stairs door will squeak and so will every bit of wood I step on. It makes sense that if I am going to try and bust my hands free, I do that first.

Just in case.

I look back at the gas ring. Whether I like it or not, if I don’t want to face him with my hands tied behind my back, then it’s suddenly become idea number one again.

Thirteen

thirteen:

– now –

I look at the gas hob. The reality of burning whatever is tying my wrists from me without properly being able to see, makes me feel ill. But he’s a killer, a killer of many, and I don’t have a choice. I purposefully remember the stretchers carrying the dead and the blue lights flashing in the dark and remind myself that there’s nothing he won’t do, no risk he won’t take, to get his way.

Just as he’s bold, I need to be bolder.

I turn back to the gas ring, I will not fail now. I will only face him with my hands freed. Perhaps I can keep it as an element of surprise. I need anything that will work in my favour.

Backwards, with fumbling, fattened fingers I turn on the ring closest to me and then click the ignition. Tisht, tisht, tisht. It flames sapphire. I am not afraid of anything except for Jack’s safety.

I hear the shusshh of the gas.

Over my shoulder, I can see it perfectly, but when I raise my hands up to the flame, my shoulder blades rise up and block my view. I won’t be able to get an accurate aim.

I count: ‘One, two –’ and even though I can’t see what I am doing, before I can say three, I push my wrists back into the flames.

Fourteen

fourteen:

– before –

I left Send prison with Jack. As we walked through the gates, I stopped to put Jack into his buggy but as I turned to my beautiful son, I paused. He kicked a stone and I thought: how long can I keep doing the same thing?

Then: am I really being the best parent I can be for Jack?