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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

Even after, to feel the mass of it and the weight of the shock at what happened is all just stuff, awful stuff around what I did that blew my life and the lives of my family apart. It was so messy: it was such a surprise.

I remember looking up and seeing my surprise mirrored on my mother’s face. Her shock and horror reflecting my own. I’d seen my father threaten my mother with a knife so many times – saw him rest the point on her neck for a game. But now he was gone and it seemed so clear, no more complicated than a simple equation: three minus one equals better.

Seeing her face, though, I knew I’d got it wrong.

Secrets like that can hold you back. They hold you back from developing real friendship. They hold you back from having a happy marriage. They hold you back from trusting your own child.

Seventy

seventy:

– now –

Nick says: ‘Lisa.’

His voice is really soft. I stop looking at the knife and instead look at him. He is still standing there with his palms up. I’ve been gone a while, I realise. Somewhere else; some other foggy world in my brain.

‘Nick?’ I speak so he knows I am with him.

‘Lisa.’ His voice is calm, but clear.

‘I’m listening.’ He always liked me to tell him that I was listening. I used to be irritated: I thought it was to do with his job; it was the cop in him that demanded I stay focused. Now . . . now I’m not so sure. Maybe Nick helped me more than I gave him credit for. I’m just not sure about so much.

‘Lisa.’ His craggy face is serious. ‘Jack didn’t kill your mother.’

‘How do you know? You weren’t there, I was.’

‘Because I saw the autopsy report.’ His breath leaves his body like the longest sigh. ‘Lisa, she died of natural causes. She had a massive heart attack – no one can fake that. I should know, shouldn’t I? As a copper? Her doctor confirmed she’d had high blood pressure for years. And she was smoking pot – did you know that?’

I sink into the kitchen chair, never once taking my eyes off Nick. I knew about her blood pressure because I found her pills, but I still can’t believe it’s true, I just can’t. I tell him this and Nick patiently repeats what he’s told me. He adds medical jargon as a way of adding authenticity but I still don’t believe our son wasn’t involved.

‘But why? Why would you rather think that your mother has been murdered, than just accept that she died of one of the most common causes of death, in this country?’