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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

I smoothed his covers again, waiting for some sort of acknowledgement that Jack was sorry. I needed to hear his regret, see his tears, so I could reach for him and comfort him. I wanted him to be sorry so I could feel relieved. I also wanted him to feel bad because then there would be recognition for Winston. And if I’m honest, I needed him to be sorry so there would be a sneaking chance that he would learn his lesson and not do anything like this again.

I wanted to be able to take his regret to Nick and spread it at his feet like a golden blanket, an offering to make it just a fraction better. Your son is truly sorry. But Jack just looked at me. I wanted a line, some dialogue that would happen in a movie – something significant – but I got nothing.

I remember that I bent over and kissed Jack’s forehead. I remember feeling unsure – so unsure. Everyone I knew seemed to know instinctively how to treat their children, like they’d been to parenting college and had lessons. Like someone wise had given them advice on how to behave when this or that happens. But if there was a parenting college, no one had sent me the invite. And so I didn’t know if I should rage at Jack for what he had done, or be caring and nurturing because he was so clearly somehow broken. I just didn’t know what to do with him. And it felt like I wouldn’t be able to count on Nick for much longer.

In the end I just said: ‘We will have to talk about what you did to Winston another day. I’m afraid it’s too serious not to talk about it.’

‘What I did?’ he asked me, small hands gripping the top of his duvet.

‘Yes,’ I said, angrier now at the angelic look of innocence on his face, ‘yes, what you did to Winston.’

‘But Mummy, I didn’t do anything. You did, Mummy. You hit Winston with the broom and his back went crack.’ He blinked. ‘Don’t you remember?’

Sixty-Five

sixty-five:

– now –

I’m standing on my own back doorstep, blinking. The man is still holding the door, but as he steps forward, his face becomes clearer. I only see more plainly what I already know.

He’s nearly six foot; he has a heavy beard and broad shoulders. I can’t see the colour of his eyes, but I can see the look of contempt in them. I feel skittish, nervous.

Nick has never hated me, but judging by his stare, I fear he might hate me now.

Sixty-Six

sixty-six:

– now –

‘Lisa,’ Nick says, standing at the door, looking out at me. ‘What are you doing?’