Chapters (87)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- Extract from To Keep You Safe
- About the Author
After the solicitor, I’d trudged the streets, lost. I didn’t see the spring flowers, only the dark, restless clouds slipping across the sky. Eventually my mind turned to the school pick-up. I changed direction and thought I’d allowed enough time, but I must’ve been lost in my thoughts, because when I got there I realised I was a little late. And not just a little late for the teacher, but a little late to do anything about the horror I witnessed.
I saw it all as I made my way across the busy school playground, filled with mums and dads waiting, some already leaving with their children, a melee of dogs tied to the fence, scooters and bikes.
With his back to me and hood up, I didn’t see him at first.
Jack did.
I saw the teacher lead the class out onto the playground. I saw Jack in his yellow spring rain jacket. I saw his face – not looking at me – suddenly yell as he punched the air. I watched his happiness in slow motion and could only wonder how he could remember his father so instantly when he hadn’t seen him for over a year. His huge smile was like the sun coming out, full beam, summer bright, and he shouted: ‘Daddeeeeeee!’ and without waiting for permission, he broke rank and ran towards his father. Like a scene from a movie, he flung aside his school bag. His father then picked Jack up and swung him high and around. Everyone turned to look. They hadn’t seen each other in months and months and it looked like the joyful reunion it was.
Jack’s teacher, Mrs Turnbill, looked at me, unsure. She’d never met Jack’s father and was only permitted to discharge Jack to me and sought my permission now with a raised eyebrow. I found myself nodding yes. What could I say? They had every legal right to see each other. Besides, I could hardly make a fuss in front of everyone.
Instead, I was forced to pick up the abandoned bag from the ground and then lag behind them on the way home from school, instantly demoted to second-best. Jack held his dad’s hand and bounced and hopped the whole way back to what was obviously the new flat. Not once did Jack turn to look at me. Instead I had to endure seeing his upturned, enraptured face, the whole way. Reaching the flats, I trailed up the stairs in the super-smart block of flats I’d watched being built only last year, but with a creeping dread that I would have to do this journey again and again. Jack’s giggles and laughter bounced off the stairwell walls, almost mocking me to hear his joy amplified and multiplied.
At the top, they opened a door and Jack stepped into his hall and his dad turned and blocked my way.
His dad: my son, my Jack.