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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

I stared at her body. Her hair: grey, too long for a woman of her age, was still barely ruffled, something I noticed as mine was so easily knotted. With practised fingers, I pressed against the blister pack and popped out four 30-mg tablets, popping them straight into my mouth.

I didn’t think of Jack. I didn’t think of myself. I thought only of my dead mother. I could see the lines on the soles of her feet, like lines on a map travelling out from here, to be anywhere but here. She was leaving me again.

Again, I wasn’t ready for it – hadn’t foreseen it.

I dry-swallowed. It struck me that my mother must have taken good care of her feet: they were smooth, her heels rounded and un-calloused. She walked a lot – she loved to walk everywhere since she’d been released from prison, yet they were the pink feet of someone who rubbed moisturiser on them nightly. It surprised me, this unexpected self-interest.

It occurred to me then, that perhaps I didn’t know my mother like I thought I did. One tablet had caught in my throat and I swallowed until it was gone.

I paused for a moment longer, trying to catch the thought that followed my not fully knowing my mother, but it was already away before it had had a chance to form and arrive. Like a starling, it slipped into a thousand, a tumbling flock of thoughts and ideas that I should’ve grasped and yet, somehow, have failed to understand, and took flight from me.

Perhaps the thought was not to take the codeine, but if it was, it was too late.

I gave another dry gulp, just to be sure. Then I turned the gold sixpence necklace around my neck – the one she’d given me all those years before – put the pills in my pocket and left.

I couldn’t risk leaving Jack alone for a minute longer.

Fifty-Eight

fifty-eight:

– before –

I pushed my way into April Dale’s flat. It was the same drab landscape of beige and vanilla, only accentuated by landscapes in gilt frames and dark wood furniture.

April had seated Jack on her sofa and, although there was no daisy display, she’d given him a pink wafer. The thought of its oversweet crisp dryness made me gag. But he was chewing it with delicate nibbles, slowly, in case he wasn’t given another one.

When I came in, he watched me silently with his beautiful eyes. Was he thinking about the cage? April came and joined me in the identical small hallway as my mother’s. I glanced at her bedroom door; I was glad it was shut.