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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

Even from my distance, I could see the golden delight in her eyes and I wondered how many times she had watched me go, my face turned away from her, waiting for me to turn back as I just did. All these years of my not turning back to give a final goodbye feels like I have stolen from her. This patient, stoic woman as strong as Greek marble. She gifted me treasure and I love her.

On impulse, I pressed my fingers against my dry lips and blew her a faithful kiss. And then I realised we must’ve seen the same corny film, because she pretended to catch it in her fist and grinned a conspiratorial smile that creased all the way into her deep laughter lines.

Then, I decided, my mother was wrong about my being like my father.

Even better, I realised I didn’t need her advice because I already had so much more than that. I know I will work out my own action plan, because I am her daughter and as such, I carry her with me. Really, I am so much more than me alone. Her bravery is mine – and that could take me anywhere.

Eleven

eleven:

– now –

There’s an empty slot in the knife block. The gap yawns ominously, as obvious to me as a lost tooth. It’s the mid-sized one that’s gone – wide blade, smooth edge. The one I use for chopping vegetables. But we had omelette, chips and peas earlier, so I know I didn’t use it. Now I can only think of that missing knife. I know what it means – he means business.

Well, so do I, I think, white hot with the heady fire of indignation, injustice and anger.

I can’t think about Jack dying but I do anyway. I promised myself I’d stay focused but I can’t. I’m trying to stay strong but it’s like there’s a little pop-up window that’s opened in my mind and it’s running a film of the unthinkable.

I’m doing what any decent mother would. If you see something – a situation which is toxic and dangerous for your child – then you do what you can to stop it from happening. I know I’ve not always been a very good parent, but I’m trying, I’m still trying. Even now, I’m still just trying to be better.

And that’s why we are in this cottage, in this nightmare now. This pop-up video in my mind has been what I’ve feared for a long time. This is what I’ve been running from.

Is it happening tonight?

Is it happening now?