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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

Where the field has been ploughed, it rises and falls in orderly rows. I know that when I came into this field, I was going up-down with every step. I carefully ease my direction a few more degrees to the left. I am now going the right way. Now I might be able to find my way back home.

My feet are so cold, they are completely numb. I start half running again. ‘I am coming for you, Jack,’ I whisper into the night, ‘and now I can protect you.’

He doesn’t answer, but now it’s the drugs in the tin in the larder that whisper back to me; they use Mungo’s voice, as they say: Hurry, Mrs L, hurry. We miss you.

Sixty

sixty:

– before –

After April Dale gave me the money, I only went back briefly to take a small framed photo of my mother and me when I was a baby, a packet of Amitriptyline my mother took for sciatica, and a jumper that smelt of her. I stood briefly above her body and before I left, I kissed her shoulder. I’d only returned to her flat for three minutes, but leaving was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I shut the door, feeling the weight of regret. Regret for not arranging her funeral, for not staying for it, for not packing her things away. But I also knew I had no choice: I had saved Jack from a life of abuse – a cage! – and the job was not yet done.

The only comfort was that I knew she wouldn’t mind one bit; my mother was the most pragmatic person I ever met. And as I picked up Jack, it was almost like I could hear her whisper her blessing in my ear.

As we stepped out into the corridor, Jack put his arms around me and pressed his face against my neck. I didn’t want to, but I couldn’t help but jog towards the exit. My feet were quiet against the carpet tiles, my soundless stealth somehow disconcerting.

I gripped him hard, almost wanting him to speak. But he didn’t ask why we weren’t seeing Nana, and there was part of me that was worried about that. Sometimes, Jack didn’t ask the questions that other children would.

He must have asked April, I told myself as I pushed against the door, but if he had, what she said to him in return I still don’t know, because I never saw her again.