Chapters (87)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- Extract from To Keep You Safe
- About the Author
‘I’m so pleased, Lisa! This is amazing.’ The kettle rose to a boil and switched itself off. The relief of a way forward was immense.
‘What’s amazing, Mummy?’
I opened my eyes to see my beautiful Jack standing in the doorway. His large eyes looked pensive – perhaps seeing me and Nick in a hug was so unusual, it actually made him nervous.
I let go of Nick but I didn’t tell Jack about my plans for nursery – not yet.
Distracting Jack with a biscuit, it felt sensible to wait until Friday and all the dotted lines were metaphorically signed. Just in case.
Fifteen
fifteen:
– before –
Within a month, I’d put the early stages of my plan into action and had started work.
Initially, my plan worked ridiculously well. I’d completed my nursing knowledge course and had started with the agency, working anywhere between one and five days during the week. I couldn’t work weekends because Nick often worked then and the nursery was closed. Even if Nick was off at the weekend, he didn’t like me working – ironically, he complained about missing out on ‘family time’ which I read as: I don’t want to look after Jack on my own.
Irene still had Jack on a Friday and filled in when needed with Winston. Nursery was booked Monday to Thursday, which meant that if I didn’t have any work, I had lots of time on my hands. I didn’t earn much but I took solace in my savings rising steadily each month. Looking at my bank statement gave me a feeling of security that I’d lost since I’d given up work to have Jack. Looking at my increasing funds kept me on track when things were difficult.
In a way, work itself kept me on anchored, too. Surprisingly, I actually found it enjoyable being back on the wards. In small moments, I puzzled why I’d pushed against it so long. I put on my uniform and it was like putting on a better version of myself. I liked Nurse Lisa more than I liked Wife Lisa or Mummy Lisa. The variety that agency work brought also gave me lots of benefits, with the added advantage that at my regular gigs, I got to know the staff well, sometimes even going on nights out with them, which helped plug the gap of losing Issy, Nadia and Nessa. I still hadn’t ruled out getting back in touch with them; after all, they had just been trying to be kind. But the idea of it appealed more than actually putting it into practice, so it just never seemed to happen.
It also helped us out with family life – us all being out of the house more, and away from each other, simply made us more peaceful.
Even better, I also started therapy.