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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

But now I think of it, I can no longer ignore it: they both died of drugs which I keep myself. This can’t be a coincidence.

The hardest thing I have ever had to do, is to accept my son for what he is.

I have an aching in my chest that means I accept him now. I recognise what I think he might’ve done. But the trouble with accepting his past, also means recognising what he is still capable of.

I look at the cottage and know I am about to go inside. I know, in there, the only thing that stands against Jack’s safety is my own son.

My finger finds the trigger.

Sixty-Two

sixty-two:

– now –

I know I’ve only got to cross the lawn and that will be the end of the journey. As soon as I break cover of the rhododendrons, I’ll be at risk of being seen.

He will be waiting for me. He has set the trap.

I bathed him as he sat in the kitchen sink. I loved him then and I love him now. I suspect I might falter.

I remind myself that, in the middle of us, there’s a child who needs me to be brave. My finger caresses the trigger like a lover’s touch, as I think of Jack’s light freckles on the same too-cute nose his dad had when he was the same age. I think of his dad at that age. I shut my eyes briefly, head swimming with head injury and Ativan and Valium, remembering, reimagining.

He grabs my sleeve in the park as he wants to go on a swing, his lovely face turned up to me like a sunflower to the sun, and says: ‘Mummy?’ The colour, the grass smells and the pull of his hand, makes it feel like I’m there again. But this is different – the same but different. It occurs to me suddenly: ‘Jack, can I ask you a question?’

He raises a quizzical eyebrow and gives a little shrug.

‘What should I do, Jack, to save your son from you?’

His smooth forehead creases and he tilts his head like a quizzical dog. ‘I don’t understand what you mean, Mummy?’

I don’t understand it either: but it feels right. I try again: ‘If Daddy was chasing us, say he was super cross with us, what would you want me to do?’

‘Get away, of course.’

‘But say that we couldn’t. Say I had to choose between you, a little kid or Daddy, who I also love? I’m stuck because I love you both. It feels like I have to choose between you. I don’t want to – I love you both.’

Jack wrinkles his nose. ‘You need to do your best.’

‘But what if that means a fight?’