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Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

If Jack’s father had been an ex-husband, I would’ve been far less tolerant of the inconsistencies. I would’ve been in front of the court, demanding full custody. But not only could I not do that because I had no rights, I was prejudiced by wanting the best for my son. He was here, he had bought a flat within walking distance of his son’s school, this must be what he wanted. He was still young – only twenty-four – and I reminded myself constantly to make allowances.

But when Jack’s anxiety spread to Wednesday night and his teacher mentioned he seemed distracted and tired, I decided I had no choice but to take action.

It didn’t take long to make a plan – it was a thin, raggedy little plan. Tissue thin, it wouldn’t give me much, but it might be just enough to get a sense of my son’s mind. If I could look in his flat, perhaps secure an invite in, that could be a start. If I could find a way to chat to him, I could find out why he sometimes didn’t attend, and then perhaps I could help. It was clear that our relationship wasn’t going to build up naturally. I would have to instigate it.

I couldn’t let things limp along as they were. For Jack’s sake.

Thirty-Nine

thirty-nine:

– before –

The day I used my thin, ragged little plan to get a better idea of my son’s life, was a spring day only a few months before we moved to Herefordshire. Of course, I didn’t know that then and the cottage on the hill was unknown to me.

I hadn’t slept well the night before – too much wine and not enough food. I always found it difficult to eat at the weekends without Jack to keep me company. Just the thought of him being with his father left me lonely – I’d have loved to have occasionally joined in with them, perhaps had a meal with them sometimes or accompany them on a trip to the park. That was my long-term goal still – that one day, my son would relent and allow me in a little. We’d never had an official falling-out. There was no one particular incident that led him to be cold and distant to me. Since he’d been an adult, no words were ever exchanged. If anything, I would’ve hoped that Jack being well cared for by me was a reason my son could be friendly to me one day.

I couldn’t stand not knowing any longer what Jack’s situation was like when he was with his father. Were Jack’s bed and clothes clean? Was there food in the cupboards? If I was satisfied, perhaps I could relax a little – and I dearly wanted to because I couldn’t change the situation.