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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

I pick up the broom, just to look at it really. Just to see the smudge of blood on the handle more closely, and seeing it, I thought of Issy pulling up my jumper sleeve and exposing the bruises. Not for the first time, I wonder what could happen to me.

He must’ve known that we couldn’t come back from this. I thought: How is this horror my life?

I felt the snap again. Blood hot; beating heart. I looked at my son, eyes wide with fright, blood-smeared. Then I turned, reaching for something, desperate to spear the anger with something possible. Then: Nobody lays a finger on my child. I held the broom tight. White knuckles. Then brought it down again and again on my husband as he cowered under my rage.

I was never a victim. This is because I always knew what others, like beautiful Issy, did not. I have a hard edge: there’s a point beyond which I will yield no more. It’s that knowledge that kept my chin up, kept me in my home, because really, what is a broken rib? What is that single, slim, white rib or finger or bruise, when any time you want, you can change your world?

Nineteen

nineteen:

– before –

Three days later, Jack and I were alone. We queued for train tickets at Brighton train station. Then we sat on the cold, metal benches and ate the sandwiches I’d bought from a café.

By our feet were several large suitcases and my go-bag. Apart from our clothes and a few of Jack’s toys, we’d left everything in the flat. The furniture, the car, the sofas – I’d laid claim to none of it. It was too dangerous. All the effort of the refurbishment: sanding the woodwork, the careful cutting in, the bookshelves I’d helped build . . . it was all just nothing to me now.

It was cold and I tightened Jack’s coat, buttoning against the chill. But my own I left open. Some things you can’t be shielded from.

Our train drew into the station. I stood up and pulled my bag over my shoulder and then, with careful arrangement, laid claim to the rest of our baggage except Jack’s own, small rucksack. I indicated to Jack that he should take my free hand. He did. I wrapped my fingers tight round his and smiled down at him. Sometimes you don’t have the answer, I knew, but sometimes any answer is better than none. Whatever had happened in the past, I was determined we’d leave it all there. We had a new start ahead of us and we had to look forward.

As we stepped up onto the train, receiving a little help from strangers paid for with ‘Oh, thank you!’ and ‘If you don’t mind, that’d be great,’ we settled our extensive baggage and then ourselves.