BooksBarbecue
Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

I can’t believe it! The gun is propped up by the front door. I feel incredulous, grateful and stunned. With quiet feet – not that it’s needed with the racket above – I move quickly through the hall.

Greedily, I grab the gun. In my hands, it’s cold and heavy. Because of my son – irony of ironies – I know how to cock and load it. I check now and inside are the gold-ended cartridges. I shudder to think that Erica had pointed a loaded gun at me.

Her dad is going to kill her for her casualness, I think as I hold it. But I can’t worry about that, not right now. I will return it just as soon as I can. This is not a steal, only a borrow.

The punk music suddenly gets much louder and I know what’s happened even before I’ve turned round.

She’s standing on the top landing, an empty glass in her hand.

We stare at each other for a long, long moment.

I think I could tell her that it’s only a borrow, or that I’ll contact her father and explain, or even warn her not to follow me. I brace myself, ready, in case she throws the glass at me, but it’s all she’s got. And I have the gun.

But in the end, we just gaze at each other, until I turn and leave through the front door, no longer the hunted hare, but instead now the stoat, running out into the night.

Forty-Nine

forty-nine:

– before –

After the sun had risen and was throwing shadows across the ruined bones of Sunningdale, and Miriam and I hugged what we knew was probably our last goodbye, it was still early. I drove to an American diner, a place I always took Jack as a treat, and woke him gently and bought us both breakfast. I watched him devour a stack of pancakes while I struggled to sip coffee. He didn’t ask why he slept in the car last night, and somewhere in my grief, I realised that he should’ve.

The grief was hideous. Not just for the residents, but lurking beneath was the knowledge that now I had no job, and worst, worst of all, that my son might have crossed a terrible line.

Might. I had to remind myself of that.

Was it true? I didn’t know but my brain was aching with the deliberation.

I was frightened. If it was true, then I wanted an explanation, a neat answer, to explain why he was the way he was, but all I came up with was that I must’ve done something wrong; I don’t know what, but he – this – wasn’t normal.

True or not, the memory of Jack trapped inside the makeshift cage meant that it was clear that we would need to get away from him.

Home would never feel safe.