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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

Despite what I might say, I didn’t blame Nick for making the most of his freedom from us – I never have. Through it all, even when he found happiness somewhere else, with his new family, I never begrudged Nick for trying to squeeze some joy from his life. If I ever felt envy creep up on me, I remembered him on his knees, body bent over our dead dog, the terribleness of his heaving, silent sobs, and then that final moment when he raised his head and looked at me with huge, helpless eyes, and I could see the pain our union had brought him.

Finally, standing back, my home was clean and it’d become evening. I felt proud of myself: surfaces gleamed, I still hadn’t touched the codeine, I’d survived my first day without Jack and I’d worked a little bit more of Nick out of my system. Suddenly starving, I ate two bowls of cereal. Then, with aching shoulders and knees from the day’s chores, I gave up on the idea of TV and went back to Jack’s bed. I thought I’d be awake all night, counting the hours and minutes until Sunday morning, but instead, feeling almost peaceful, fell asleep.

In my last waking moments, in the dreaminess and honesty of near-sleep, I wondered who I was looking forward to seeing more: Jack or Jack.

Thirty-Eight

thirty-eight:

– before –

When I went to pick Jack up on Sunday morning, I got there for 9.30 a.m. I had been awake since 5.00, but thought that any earlier and I’d risk being labelled difficult. My son came to the door, already dressed. He was clean-shaven and had a cocky look in his eye. ‘Bit early, isn’t it, Lisa? Jack’s just eating his pancakes.’

I was too surprised to argue when he shut the door to – albeit left ajar. I was surprised about everything: surprised he was letting Jack come back to me even though that was what we’d agreed; surprised my son was up and dressed at this hour, surprised he’d make his son breakfast, even more so, Jack’s favourite.

When Jack came to the door, he looked happy and relaxed. He was dressed in clothes I hadn’t seen before – they looked nice. More surprise. Even better, he was clearly pleased to see me, but not too eager – not enough to suggest there had been any concerns for him.

My son simply handed over Jack’s school bag. ‘We did his spellings homework. See you next Friday,’ was all he said before he shut the door in my face.

Jack’s flat was only fifteen minutes’ walk from my own. As I walked home, feeling much better to have Jack’s hand in mine, I asked about his weekend. He said his dad had taken him to London Zoo, and that they’d had fish and chips for dinner. ‘Not both nights?’ I asked.