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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

I’ve got this wrong – all wrong.

Staggering back, I think:

It’s.

Not.

Jack.

Sixty-Three

sixty-three:

– before –

I know why my son, aged only five, killed our beloved dog Winston. Why he hit him with the broom and snapped his back. It’s because of what he heard his father say the day before.

By this time, any hopes that starting school would help improve Jack’s behaviour were already sunk. He was currently suspended and I was dearly hoping that, as the letter confirming his expulsion hadn’t yet arrived, the school might relent and he’d be allowed back for one final chance.

I dearly hoped, but I didn’t believe it. Cutting an earlobe off another child because you want ‘to know if it would snip easily’, was not the action of a treasured student.

I’d not worked during his suspension, but the day before Winston died, I had. The agency called and they were desperate and promised to pay double time, so I’d agreed and Irene had kindly offered to have Jack for the day.

I’d just got in from work. I’d said hello to Jack, offered him a snack and come into the kitchen to cut up an apple for him, when Nick uncharacteristically put a cup of tea in front of me. When he spoke, his voice was strange – a harsh whisper. ‘Lisa, listen to me. We’ve got to talk. We’ve said this before, but I’m saying it properly, properly now, and I want you to understand what I’m about to say. I want you to hear me.’

‘Honey, what?’

‘There’s something badly wrong with Jack.’

I thought about the teacher telling me that they had to command Jack to give back the snipped earlobe. ‘Wrong with him? I think we know that already—’

‘No.’ He glanced at the door, his voice a low, urgent husk: ‘I mean, I’m now frightened.’

My knife paused mid-air. ‘What do you mean?’

‘It’s not normal the way he attacks everyone all the time. We always said he’d grow out of it; we just thought he was a late developer. We’ve always made excuses to each other, but we have to face up that he’s no tantrumming toddler now. ’

‘I’m hardly going to argue with that, am I? But we always said that—’

‘I know what we always said. But he’s not growing out of it. Nothing we have done has ever worked. So, I don’t think we should just talk anymore, I think we need to do. We need to face that he’s not getting better, but getting worse. Much worse.’ He passed a hand over his face. ‘Mum’s had enough. She refuses to look after him on her own anymore.’