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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

‘We should think it over. It’s all our money. And more – much more.’

‘But we can’t risk losing it. It’s the best we’ve seen.’ I patted my stomach. ‘We’ll not find a better one.’ Money was tight; we knew I’d be stopping work soon and we would miss my nurse’s wage. In those days, we still believed that I’d be going back after a few months.

‘But . . .’ He rubbed his cheek in the way he always did when unsure and thinking things over. ‘But you said we were only looking at it to get an understanding of the market . . .’

I loved him in that moment more than I had ever loved him because I knew he was thinking about it only because I wanted him to. Even more than when I told him I was pregnant and he beamed with joy. Even more than when he introduced me to his widowed mother as if I were a princess. We loved each other a lot back then.

‘Please, Nick!’ My fingers squeezed his arm, perhaps a little too hard. ‘I really want this flat.’

He squeezed my hand and nodded.

*

Nick was – and is – the love of my life. It was to my joy that we came together and it was to my shame how we parted. Much of what went on in our world was as dark as the shadows that we came together in, but I never could regret it because we had Jack.

Jack.

Six

six:

– now –

I remember everything now.

Jack is very nearly eight years old and he is beautiful and he’s in danger.

Now, every molecule I have is refocused and tuned to save him. I hope he’s upstairs where I finally left him, carefully unpeeling my hand from his, as we do every night when he finally falls asleep. But I’m scared he’s gone.

I’m scared he’s been taken.

I know I’m in the cottage I rented a year ago; I think his father has found us.

The screaming of the foxes is now replaced by silent screaming in my head.

I know I’ve been hit. I know this is why I am grey and foggy and there’s bright white pain at the back of my head.

I sit up. The suddenness of my movement makes my shoulders scream. I’m numb. I don’t get more than a few inches without feeling the grey rolling back again, this time with the need to vomit.

I try again to touch the hurt, but I realise he has tied my hands behind my back.

Of course he has.