BooksBarbecue
Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

‘All you have to understand is that Daddy isn’t living with us anymore,’ I said again, using the most calming, patient tone I could manage given that we’d had this conversation five hundred zillion times. ‘We’ve decided it’s for the best.’

‘Best for who?’

That was a good question and one he hadn’t asked before, and for a moment I was stumped. Unable to answer it in a way that he could understand, I said: ‘You come first, Jack.’ And it was true. I had always put him first. I was standing in a shithole and he was looking at me like I was the emerging turd and yet we were both standing here for him.

But sometimes, when I lay in the dark thinking about the different ways my life had gone wrong, I wasn’t so sure. It seemed that everyone else was the turd and I was the paper they used to clean up their shitty mess. The thought angered me. Actually, it’s best for you, Jack.

‘Best for me how?’

I took a step back and hit the radiator behind me. My hands reached down and touched the coldness. The paint was rough and chipped. How could I have said it aloud? I shook my head a little – I didn’t say it, I didn’t.

‘Why is it best for me? I want to go home.’ He bit his lip and I knew he was about to cry.

I wanted to grip him tight in a hug, squeeze him and say yes, all right, we will go home. Tomorrow we will wake up and go to the DIY store and chip the hairs out of the paint and sand the living room and paint it fresh all over and everything will be perfect.

But it wasn’t as simple as that. If it was, I would’ve done it already. I felt sick. This new flat was so disappointing. It was so tiring being a parent. And I so hated – hated – being on my own.

‘I want to go home!’

He said it but I felt it. Jack shouted: ‘Home, home, home,’ in a chant as he backed up against the kitchen counter; it was like we were opposing fighters backed up against the ropes of a boxing ring. He then threw his head back and began to scream.

Twenty-Three

twenty-three:

– before –

Two weeks after I’d moved Jack and me into the dreadful flat off the high street, I took a train, another train and then another train, before getting on the visitor bus, to visit my mother.

The journey was a huge disappointment. I was now carless; because our car had been a present from Irene, I’d decided to leave it with Nick. Without it though, the trip was as long as it had been driving to Send from Brighton.