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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

Seated, I rubbed the condensation from the window so I could see clearly. Looking out, I saw nothing of Brighton’s vibrancy, only the grey station platform pocked with discarded chewing gum, dropped litter, and in the shadows, a homeless person as wanted as a dropped Subway cup.

Because I needed to see it again, I took out the letter and read it all through for the zillionth time. When I got to the end, I took a deep breath, folded it up and returned it to the zipped-up compartment in my handbag. I was done with my home town and this letter confirmed it – anywhere was better.

When the train finally pulled away, I leaned forward and seized both of Jack’s small hands in my own. His sweet face looked up at me; he was so young and it all seemed so impossible. I wanted to say something important, something memorable, but in the end all I could say was: ‘We’re leaving.’

And that seemed enough for him.

It was enough for me.

Twenty

twenty:

– now –

One.

Two.

Th—

Then into the flame. Nothing. Then: instant! So instant! Think of Jack, I think, already panicking. It’s worse than I thought it would be. Searing doesn’t cut it. It’s like the ring of fire in childbirth without any pain control. At least then you have no choice, but I have to hold my wrists, my hands, over this flame because I can’t see where to hold it. My fingers too – they’re over the other side of the ring of fire, I thought.

A bright point – this agony is a bright point, larger, and then larger still, a rising and exploding firework. Now it’s a star; a sun; vast and all-consuming.

I can’t do it, I think, panic rising high, so high, that I can’t think of anything else. Can’t do it, I can’t do it, I can’t do it.

I smell something like food – cooking meat. It’s me! It’s me! I’m cooking myself!

I start to shiver. Then it’s gone. My subconscious is now screaming what my conscious already knows: Too hot, too hot, too hot.

I’m worried I’m screaming. My jaw is clamped shut and my ears hear nothing, but I’m not sure there’s not a thin, high wail emanating from me.

When I know I can’t stand any more my mind clears. I can only describe it as a nirvana. Maybe it’s just adrenaline, maybe it’s a higher power come to help me. But it works.

Through it all I think: Jack. I see his eyelashes – so long, longer than mine! His blue eyes with the dark ring round them that makes them so unique. I see his face, so serious until something makes him laugh and then he erupts in the funniest laugh I ever heard.