BooksBarbecue
Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

Jack and my son moved in with me, but my son had started flitting in and out again, initially just disappearing for a day, then a night too, until eventually, he’d be gone sometimes for weeks at a time. I never minded – I liked being in charge. Then one day, when Jack was four and just a month shy of starting school, his father told me that he wouldn’t do it anymore and just left for good.

Nick visited when our son walked out on me and little Jack. We discussed the idea of notifying social services, but decided against it. Nick was impressed with how much I had it under control and was content to leave me to it and return to his life up north; he’d been promoted many times and now lived with his wife and two daughters tucked up in a house near Cheltenham which I assumed was as beautiful as his wife. But as different as our lives were, we were united on protecting our son and keeping his options open with Jack.

But my ideas of keeping our son’s options open soon changed.

Jack and I had a beautiful long and wonderful year together. Jack’s stutter began to lessen and he seemed to grow in confidence without his father around. He moved up to Year 1 and thrived. I never could see any sign that my son had been abusing his child, but Jack certainly seemed to be happier without him around.

Now, as I lay in his bed clutching his bunny, I wondered if Jack was happy now.

For most of the night, I thought of both the past and the now. Questions puzzled relentlessly in my head: was Jack happy? Was he safe? Did my son have a job now? How was he paying for that smart new flat? Did he really mean to stay? Was this going to happen again? Was this going to be a new routine or was Jack going to be mucked about yet again with his father upping and leaving?

And the question that burnt more than any other: did my son hurt his son?

After all the injuries he’d given me over the years, I lay there, tortured that Jack was in danger and it felt like there was nothing I could do about it.

Thirty-Seven

thirty-seven:

– before –

On Saturday morning, feeling fragile, I got up, still holding the bunny toy, and rang the only person who could help. Nick. To his credit he answered – he always did.

‘Nick, Jack’s got Jack.’

He swore and called out to his wife. I heard her answer and he came back on the line. ‘Sorry, Lisa, we were about to go out, but it can wait.’