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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

It’s too dark to see properly despite the thin moon, but through the hedge it seems to only be wires, pegged in by metal stakes. I part the wire and begin to climb through. Then my city-girl mistake: electricity bites.

The shock is not too much but I fall back, surprised.

A scream rips forth and I sink to the ground, beaten. I lie and scream all my hurt and fear at the moon. I have endured worse than tonight, but for some reason, it’s this sting and surprise that means I cannot stand any more, and it defeats me.

I think of my dropped knife and I don’t think I can get up again. I don’t think I can face another electric shock. I don’t think I can run across another field without shoes on.

I think I’m screaming a lot. I think he could hear it a field away. Like the beating wings of an insect, drawing a bat to it, he will find me in the dark and he will consume me.

I have run out of bravery.

I cannot go on.

Twenty-Nine

twenty-nine:

– now –

I’m lying on my back in the cold field, my eyes shut, unable to go on – I just can’t, I just can’t – when suddenly I instinctively know – again – that I am not alone.

Someone’s here.

Now.

Watching me.

The thought is as clear as lightning: at once both illuminating and chilling and infinitely dangerous. I don’t want to look, but my eyes are traitors and snap open. For a moment I just lie there staring into the dark, not breathing, not moving, but simply listening as if my life depends on it.

Perhaps it does.

The stars emerge from behind a cloud. I can’t see the cloud, black against black, so it’s like a magic trick. All the time I stare, I think: Someone is here.

Is it him?

At first, I thought, yes. But now . . .

. . . I think: No.

But who else would be standing in this dark field? It doesn’t make sense. Why would they be here? How would they know that I would stop here? Or if he has followed me, then why am I still alive? My stare is fixed, waiting . . . for a noise . . . to be attacked . . . I don’t know . . .

And then it’s like the pressure drops. Someone has stepped up to me but I’m squeezing my eyes shut. I don’t want to see. Then I feel a chill on my neck.

And I know they are there. I might be guilty of many things, but I am not guilty of imagining this.

Enough.