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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

I poured away my drink and pulled out the Yellow Pages and let it flop open on the kitchen countertop. I found the map and then located my mother’s prison in Send, near Woking. Then looked at large towns within travelling distance. Bracknell caught my eye. Perhaps it could be as meaningful to me as Brighton was. The fact that it begins with B was as good a reason as any.

From the wall-mounted phone, I picked up the receiver and dialled for an estate agent I’d found. ‘I wonder if you can help me. I’m looking for a furnished flat – two bedrooms – around the Bracknell area, please.’ I realised the car was Nick’s, bought by Irene as a present. ‘And it’s vital the flat is near the train station,’ I added, marvelling at how pleasant I sounded – one wouldn’t be able to tell that my heart was breaking.

All the time I arranged our new flat, I checked on our son without actually looking at him properly: not even once.

Then I packed our bags, took Jack and left.

I nearly left a note, but I didn’t. Mostly because I didn’t know what to say.

And Nick peacefully, unknowingly, slept on and on and on.

Seventy-Nine

seventy-nine:

– now –

The noise is sudden and loud. The sound of gunshot. Then there’s a metallic sound as a knife – my kitchen knife, I know it is – drops to the slate tiles. He collapses to his knees. I reach for my son and embrace him again, just like I have always done. Before I was holding on to him: now I am holding him up.

Trying and failing.

I can’t look at Nick or the intruder; instead I hold on, so tight, eyes squeezed shut, gripping against his back, inhaling his scent of cigarettes, whisky and deodorant; he smells like my father. I’m trying, still trying to save him. But I collapse with him; together we fall.

Really, we were never apart.

Sorry, Daddy.

I love you, Jack.

Eighty

eighty:

– now –

I climb away from my son – I don’t want to crush his breathing – but, even as I clamber off, I know from the blood spreading that it’s too late. Close-up shotgun wounds don’t leave any room for hope – his chest is meaty and messy.

I look up at Erica in the doorway. She stares right back at me. ‘I’m going to call the police,’ she says, and she breaks the shotgun and reaches for her phone. ‘Dickheads, all of you,’ she mutters just before she requests: ‘Police and an ambulance.’ She’s cool as she starts to explain the situation and Nick then takes the phone from her and I think he’s doing his police thing. I know that if Erica hadn’t shot Jack, he would’ve killed her.