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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

Grief crushed my lungs and I couldn’t inhale. I was overcome at how far my failures as a mother now extended. This scene of misery, of emotional deprivation, was my fault, and only my fault. I shouldn’t have even had a child, I realised. I wasn’t fit; I never had been. I was my father’s daughter and as such I shouldn’t have tried to be anything else. I was a drug addict and I was broken by life and then I’d brought a child into my mess, my life. And this was the result. The type of horror story that I would see on the news – but this was my horror story.

I gripped the plastic bars under my hand.

‘Are you all right, Jack?’ I managed, amazed at how utterly normal my voice sounded.

‘Yes!’ He reached round for something and held it up: Bunny. ‘I-I-I-I’ve got Bunny with me. Sh-sh-she-she knew y-y-y-you would come tonight!’

I reached through the bars. The playpen on top was blue plastic and looked worn and battered. The one underneath, which Jack sat in with Bunny, a couple of cushions, a blanket and a sippy cup, was multicoloured. Although it worked well at keeping Jack in, I realised it would be easy for me to release him.

‘I’m going to get you out, Jack. I’m going to get some scissors or –’ a knife – ‘or something.’ I gave him a bright smile. ‘I’m just going to go into the kitchen. Will you . . . be all right here?’

‘I-I-I-I . . .’

Part of me wanted to listen to him, what he was trying to say, but there was no time. He was so calm, so relaxed, I knew it then as sure as I knew my own name, that he was used to his father putting him in there. It didn’t concern him like it might a child who had never been there before.

Oh, Jack. Oh, my beautiful, beautiful Jack.

I ran into the kitchen.

Forty-Three

forty-three:

– now –

The loud music has stopped and the opening doorway of the farmhouse throws a precious ingot of light onto the black lawn. For the briefest of moments, I feel like it’s all going to be all right. But the figure starts to emerge, a silhouette against the bright light; and my eyes, as they struggle to adjust, pick out a stature that is both shorter and much slighter than I’d hoped. I was hoping for a big, burly farmer – someone who’d load me and his dogs straight into his Land Rover and drive me back to my cottage. But this isn’t him.

I breathe in. ‘Sorry to trouble you—’

‘Go away.’ A female voice, hard like jade.

‘Oh!’ I try to hide my surprise and aim for warm and reassuring. ‘Look, I don’t want to disturb you, but I just need some help. I’ve—’