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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

Because it was over. Even if she’d pulled up my sleeve and found no injury, I would’ve still understood that she didn’t believe me. And I understood, as well as anyone, that once trust has gone in a relationship, it’s gone. But she did find something, so the mistrust now went both ways.

Thinking that, I got up and kissed her goodbye.

Eight

eight:

– before –

Although the café had felt stifling, outside, despite it being well into autumn, it felt little better; the unseasonable warmth combined with a fine mist made it feel sultry, like a possible storm could suddenly erupt. Feeling breathless, I decided to pick up Jack early from Irene’s – I felt unsettled and anxious without him. It was as if because one unforeseen event had occurred – and that jagged, forgotten memory of the falling knife! – then anything could now happen.

I knew Nick wouldn’t like it; Irene loved her time with her only grandchild and Nick would grumble that I was spoiling the child again. I knew he was jealous of Jack’s and my special bond, but after last night, I no longer cared.

What Issy didn’t know was that last night, another terrible row had erupted which ended with Nick getting a bleeding hand and me receiving a bruised ear which I had covered by keeping my hair loose. But now I could no longer just wear full-length sleeves, dab heavily with the concealer, or let my hair fall about my face. Now I knew that they would be looking for signs of injury, I wouldn’t be able to hide it. Now, they would be watching for any difference in my gait, any awkwardness in my sitting down – just anything that might show that I had an injury. Then, if I went to the loo they would watch the door and whisper to each other, worried, until they saw me coming back, and then they would resume some fabricated conversation. I knew I’d sit down, pink-cheeked, and try to hide my misery, but instead my heart would be breaking from their concern.

As I walked up the hill to the terraced houses where Irene lived, I’d realised I’d lost them. But as I pushed away the upset that I’d allow myself to process later (if only because I didn’t want to arrive at Irene’s in tears because it’d be too awkward to explain), I instead held on to the new determination I suddenly felt – their concern would not be in vain.

I wouldn’t continue the way I had been. I resolved to make a change – a permanent, yet unknown change – before I turned out like my mother.