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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

Around five o’clock I left the house. In a bag I carried my son’s favourite cake – carrot. I also had what they would know now was missing from Jack’s school bag as I had purposefully removed it – his spelling book. My plan was to turn up before tea, when I knew they would be hungry, and offer the cake and then produce the spelling book and hope for an invite in. If he didn’t allow me access, I would take the matter to Nick, I decided, but for now, to try was enough.

If my son relented and let me, it would give me the chance to have a look around and – in my wildest, craziest hopes – to have a conversation about him providing Jack with consistency. It was unlikely to work, but that was not a reason not to try.

Before I could change my mind, I’d grabbed my bag and my props. But as I took my coat from the hook, I hesitated. I felt a shiver, a sense of foreboding.

I paused. Was I sure I wanted to do this? Suddenly, before I could change my mind, I sent him a text, telling him I was coming round. He might not let me in, but there was no advantage to surprising him – I knew my son and understood he wouldn’t answer the door if he didn’t want to.

Standing there, coat in hand, I remembered him as a child, taking him to see my mother after giving up the buggy. I remember towing him by the hand, his every fibre resisting me every step of the way. He always resisted me with everything and this would be no different. But perhaps he would want the spelling book enough to answer the door. And then, if Jack saw the cake, perhaps that would be enough. Probably not, but I lived in hope that my son would open the door to his closed heart. Constant love had to be the answer.

But instead of feeling better, forewarning him only added to my sense of fear. What if he did let me in, what then?

Then, like an addict lifting the fag to my mouth even though I didn’t want to, I took my coat down and pulled the door of my flat behind me.

Forty

forty:

– before –

I drove slowly round to his flat. I was nervous. It was dark; it was only five o’clock in the evening, and on a Saturday, normally the town would still be busy, but the heavy wind and rain meant nobody was around.

Gripping the wheel, I kept thinking through my plan. The key was to be relaxed, but the more I thought about seeing him, the more nervous I became.