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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

He tries to interrupt me again, even standing now. But I answer him by rising out of my own chair. ‘You got to be busy and virtuous,’ I continue, jabbing my finger at him, ‘but I was isolated because I was going through this big thing with our son and I couldn’t tell anyone. I’ve always been on my own – all my life. And having a family wasn’t like I thought it would be. I blame myself, of course I do, but I also blame you,’ I say as I jab again, ‘and I blame him,’ I say, pointing upstairs, crying now. ‘He just shut me out, even from the beginning. He wouldn’t even breastfeed! Do you remember?’

Nick nods slowly, never dropping his eye contact with me. I can tell he’s remembering.

‘Do you remember the pinching of the other children at nursery? The biting? Can you remember the manager ending up asking him to leave? And the next one and the one after that?’ I rub my hand against my eyes, as if by forcing them to shut, I can no longer see – no longer remember.

But I do remember and it hurts.

‘But how is it that after a few years of being with the lovely Anne-Marie you get to remember a different version, one that blames me and exonerates him?’ I jab a finger in the direction of upstairs. ‘Of course, if you don’t have to blame your own flesh and blood, you don’t have to bear any responsibility. How bloody convenient.’

His eyes widen a fraction and I know my dart has hit the bullseye.

I’m hot now with rage, and the heat makes me braver than anyone. ‘Yes, I know I’m a pill addict, but when you’re raising a child that’s dangerous and no one is around to hold you at night, do you blame me for blurring the edges of my reality? I was still there every day, doing the laundry, serving the breakfast, making his bed. Then he kills my mother like a brat breaking a toy and yet I’m branded the angry one?’ My voice drops to a new low pitch I haven’t used before. ‘And I haven’t even told you about the fire I think he started that and killed fourteen people I loved from work – yes, I’m not sure he did – but in my heart, I believe he did. And since I always loved him, never treated him badly, always did my best – I am not responsible for that. So yes, I’m angry. I’m. So. Bloody. Angry. And that’s OK. So, if you don’t mind – and even if you do, I’m going to get my boy.’

Sixty-Nine

sixty-nine:

– now –

Nick holds his hands palms out to show he means me no harm. ‘Lisa,’ he says, using his best taming-the-tigers voice.

He stares at me for a long time.