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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

And standing there, thinking about Winston and Arrow made me feel very, very anxious, not just because I knew that what had happened to Winston had happened to Arrow, but because I knew what had happened to my father and I feared the same for my son.

And now, all these years on, I was standing in his flat and perhaps I was now Arrow. I cared desperately about him, but my son had love for nothing and definitely not me. I couldn’t leave Jack because the public affection was just a set of behaviours he wheeled out because he knew he should and it was just a way to get what he wanted. When he got tired of the demands of something else, he simply got rid. Selena, who had suddenly died of an overdose (I’m not thinking about that, I’m not, I can’t), Winston, Arrow – and I couldn’t risk Jack placing one demand too many on him.

But maybe this was a game he was in charge of. Perhaps to take Jack from the cage was me doing simply what he’d known I would and this was all a big, nasty amusement and he was hunting us now. Jack was the bait to draw me out and now we were in his snare. When I left, carrying Jack out of this flat, I knew the hunt would begin.

So I knew, as I turned away from that closed door, and walked down the hall towards the open door, that we weren’t stepping to freedom, but towards something so much less clear.

Forty-Six

forty-six:

– before –

Free from the flat, I ran with Jack in my arms. The wind whipped our hair; my footsteps echoed accusations.

By the time I reached my car, I’d already started to doubt my certainty that my son had laid a trap. Perhaps he wasn’t there, behind the bedroom door, perhaps I would plough straight into him in the street.

We made it to the car. I eased Jack into his car seat, feeling strangely disassociated from the here and now. I just couldn’t believe what had happened. I’d arrived looking to get a sense of their home, but had left with Jack. I had imagined many scenarios, but could never have imagined this one.