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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

‘Then why was I able to come in, look around for a while, if our son was just next door getting loo roll? That would only take a couple of minutes.’ I’m looking for holes in this story. I know I sound desperate; I am. Because I’m visualising the flat and I’m seeing it differently now. I’m remembering how easy it was to break open the makeshift cage – how I’d tried to cut it open before realising it was hinged. Easy to open. Not a cage for Jack but a dog crate. I feel a dull, cold, dropping sensation in my stomach.

‘The first neighbour didn’t answer and the second one, their disabled mother had fallen and they needed Jack’s help getting her up off the floor.’

‘Then where was the puppy?’ My voice is a plaintive cry. ‘Why was the puppy not in there?’

‘Because our Jack is not a complete div – he didn’t want to leave a new puppy unsupervised with Jack.’

I think of Winston: was Jack scared for the puppy or for the boy?

Nick is continuing. ‘So he picks the puppy up and nips next door to get the loo roll. He only meant to be gone for a minute. And I know what you’re going to say – he shouldn’t have left Jack, not even for a moment, and what parent can say that they haven’t taken the same risks themselves?’ His eyes are fierce: I daren’t take the challenge.

‘A puppy?’ is all I can say.

‘Yes, Lisa. You ruined young Jack’s life because of a puppy. You ripped him from his father’s life because of a puppy. You didn’t attend your own mother’s funeral and you stopped me from seeing my grandson, you’ve brought him out here in the middle of nowhere, and Jack says you’ve stopped Jack from going to school, all because of a puppy!’

He stands up. ‘I hope you’re proud of yourself.’

Seventy-Two

seventy-two:

– now –

A puppy. Can this be true? I don’t know what to say. I’m weak, I’m hurting and all I can think of is the gun lying on the lawn. I remember Erica’s face as she looked down on me from the landing, in silent condemnation. How could this be all my fault?

‘What about the fire?’ I finally manage, weakly. Perhaps I’ve been reading everything wrong. Is that possible?

But I do want to know about the fire. It’s all I’ve got now.

‘The fire? At your work?’

I can only nod to say: Yes, that is what I mean. I wonder if Nick will judge me harshly if I go to the larder and get a little something else. Just another 2 mg of diazepam will do it. Just a little something else to take this growing horror away.