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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

It occurs to me, standing there at the farmhouse’s shut front door, that perhaps I’m not the most vulnerable person when choosing between me and him. Of course, Jack is – indisputably – the most in need of protection. But it suddenly seems to me that perhaps I haven’t finished my job of being a mother to my son. Yes, he’s twenty-five and yes, he doesn’t want me to parent him. But his anger makes him so vulnerable. And as his mother, I haven’t stopped wanting to help him.

I hated my own mother being in prison and I would hate for my son to be there. The way he’s going, perhaps it’s inevitable. But if I could get Jack away from him, make Jack safe, and if I could find a way of making my son listen to me, perhaps I could – perhaps – still make a difference. I want to throw apologies at his feet. I want to beg forgiveness. I want to explain about myself, about my childhood, about my struggles. I want him to hear me.

I want him to know that I see him.

But none of that will happen if he gets a choice. The gun is perhaps the answer because it might force him to listen to me. A crazy, terrible answer, but perhaps the only one available. I still want to save him, despite what he has done. I still love him. I thought when I saw the cage that my love had finally died, but it seems not. It seems that it can withstand anything. My love for him is Teflon.

Still – still – I have to try to save him. Perhaps the gun offers a way to turn this around, perhaps there’s only one plan that means I can still stand a chance of saving both my son and my grandson.

I look up at the farmhouse and realise I need to find a way to break in.

Forty-Five

forty-five:

– before –

To rescue my grandson from the monstrosity, I realised I needed a weapon. Time was short and I had to get Jack out of this horror show of a flat.

I ripped open cupboards, pulled out drawers. The cupboards were almost empty of food – what did they eat? The kitchen was in reasonable shape so it only took seconds to find the knife drawer and choose the one I wanted.

Jack had turned his back to me, Bunny pressed up against his face.

I sawed up and down, seeing the black tape fray. After a minute, Jack turned his head and said: ‘D-D-D-Daddy w-w-w-w-won’t want you doing that,’ but I didn’t answer.