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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

My heart wham-whammed and I realised I was terrified. I didn’t know why – it should be perfectly fine. I suddenly wished I could go home, but I thought of Jack’s stammer getting worse and with Nick in Cheltenham, there was no one else to deal with my son. I wanted to leave, but his inconsistent behaviour couldn’t go on unchecked. I needed to try and bridge the gap between us and to see what life was for my grandson when he wasn’t with me.

As I trekked up the stairs, I clutched my bag; it felt like an optimistic joke that my son would want to sit and eat a bit of cake with me. Why he didn’t I couldn’t be sure, but the fact he wouldn’t still hurt me greatly. But I carried the bag anyway, a talisman for Jack.

Reaching his front door, I found it ajar. I could see the hall light was off and checked around me, unsure. Of all the imagined scenarios I had been through, this wasn’t one of them. It seemed strange it was unlocked and instantly I felt even more unsettled. I looked around – but he wasn’t nearby. Shaking, I reached out, tentatively, as if I was putting my hand down a rabbit hole. I knocked once. There was something in the way the door moved that made me think he was gone.

Could it be that he’d left with Jack?

I could only wait a few seconds; I was so adrenalised, so twitchy, that I just couldn’t think clearly. I couldn’t breathe.

I knocked again; the noise of my knuckles rapping was louder than I’d expected. Even though my heart was pounding, I was thinking crazy thoughts: He’s left! Jack’s been taken! He’s hiding behind the door!

But the door opened easily into the hall. ‘Hello?’ I said into the silence. I tried again, hating to hear the waver in my voice. ‘I’ve texted!’ I called out, adding that I had Jack’s spelling bag. When no one answered, I knew I could never live with myself without finding if Jack was safe, so I stepped inside to my son’s flat before I could change my mind.

Forty-One

forty-one:

– before –

I stood in the hall, dim with no lighting, still unsure. ‘Hello?’ I tried again, my voice a dry rasp, filled with uncertainty. There were five doors. The two on my right were shut, but one on my left was open and I could see into the unlit kitchen. There were no sounds of life in the flat – no washing machine, no TV or radio playing, nothing. Another door was ajar onto a darkened room, but I could see a cord switch hanging down: a bathroom.