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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

But there was more. There was more and more and more. None of it was his fault. But nor was it mine. They denied it, but I believed the forceps damage was the reason that he screamed and screamed and screamed night after night, until he was five. Since then, I’ve read forceps can cause cranial problems, but the idea of cranial osteopathy was unheard of then.

The rain hit the windows of the hotel room like thrown shingle. It focused my thoughts to tomorrow and I thought: Jack hasn’t got his coat with him. It’s still at his dad’s.

It was over, right then. I knew it. I wanted to say it aloud just to hear it, but not wanting to wake Jack, I just murmured it instead: ‘You will never see your dad again, Jack. Whatever it takes. I promise.’

Forty-Seven

forty-seven:

– before –

I must’ve fallen asleep in that hotel tub chair, because when my phone rang, I woke, startled. In the first bleary seconds, I felt frightened and confused from my deep sleep, only aware of some trouble deeper than the stabbing in my crooked neck. But as I fumbled in the dark for my phone, I remembered what had happened. Glancing first at Jack to check the noise hadn’t woken him, I then looked at the screen expecting the number to be my son.

It wasn’t.

Two things struck me: the first that it was only 3.30 in the morning, and the second that it was my work calling me.

I knew then that things had got even worse.

As deputy matron, I was sometimes rota’d to be called during the week if one of the residents suddenly died, but at the weekend it was the weekend matron who was disturbed. If they were calling me on so early on a Sunday morning, then a catastrophe must have happened. And I just knew it was my son who had done the something catastrophic.

I took the call, listening to what I was told, and agreed to come immediately. Knowing I was again walking into a trap, but unable to do anything about it, I picked up the sleeping Jack and carried him out to the car, returning the hotel door card into the drop box on the way out. I knew we wouldn’t be back.

I drove to my work, Jack thankfully still asleep in the back. Even a mile from work, I understood what my son had done in vengeance before I got there. The red glow in the sky told me.

I drove the last few minutes in shock. I couldn’t process what might be happening. Dread sat like a rock in my stomach.

As I turned into the road, my worst fears were confirmed.