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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

Jack kissed my hand: ‘I always miss you, Mummy, when I’m not with you.’ I set him free to run around under the trees; I pressed the space under my belly button where Jack had grown. He’d been an impossible carry; but still I’d been sorry to give him up. I knew that each day that passed after his birth would see him move further and further away from me, until one day he’d be gone, leaving me all alone.

I always saw my parents’ flaws so clearly that I thought I’d be able to just be the opposite of them and it’d all be fine. It was as if they had given me a rule book on how not to be: I only had to apply it in reverse and I’d succeed where they had failed. But it seems that life is more complex than that: it seems that there’s more than one way to fail.

As Jack collected fallen leaves, I resolved to see my mother and ask for advice – she was the one person I could trust with the truth and still not feel judged by. Besides, she’d be able to tell if I was unhappy anyway – she always could. I could never hide anything from her, even though she’d been serving a life sentence since I was eight. I winced as I thought of the long journey from Brighton to Woking I’d have to make to see her, first by train, then by bus, to Send women’s prison. But I knew it would be worth it – she would help me make a plan.

Jack brought me his bundle of leaves and together we threw them into the wind. He laughed and jumped for them and I delighted in his joy. His game lifted my spirits and I found I could manage a smile at the thought of what Issy would say if she knew that my mother was imprisoned for murder. I wondered if it would make her view my marriage differently.

I rather thought it would – and that she’d possibly view me differently too.

Nine

nine:

– before –

Two weeks later, my visit to my mother was booked in.

Nothing would stop me from my monthly visit to see her: I loved my mum dearly. But this time it felt even more vital – this time I counted down the days because I needed her help.

I always took Jack with me, but now I needed to go alone. There was no question, I’d been galvanised by Issy and was determined to take action, but if Jack was with me, I wouldn’t be able to talk freely. If my mother was to help me make a plan, then she would need my innermost thoughts and feelings, and the details were not Jack-friendly.