Chapters (87)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- Extract from To Keep You Safe
- About the Author
‘Well, obviously, but it doesn’t suit them all. Did you pick your Brussel sprouts yet?’
‘You loved nursery.’
‘I was different, I—’
‘Different, smifferent. You’ve just got to persevere. That’s parenting – and you know it. You’ve only tried one – I can’t believe that they’re all the same.’
My breath felt like it was burning in my chest. There was so much I hadn’t imagined about becoming a parent. I would’ve never been able to guess at how hard it was – how relentless, how demanding, how boring it often was. Getting a kid to poo on a loo – who knew it would require such effort? But of all the things – like making interesting ‘recipes’ out of mashed veg or coordinating outfits – what I could never have been prepared for, was how political it was. How judgey everyone thought that they had a right to be. And that judgement was what I struggled with the most. ‘No one perseveres more than me – and he’s where he should be, safe with me.’
‘What’s this nonsense about being safe? Why on earth would you worry about his safety?’ She wrinkled her nose again. She does this a lot when she doesn’t get her own way. ‘You’re not thinking about when you were a child and—’
‘I don’t want to get into this now.’
‘Well, honey,’ she said with a little laugh, ‘we could wait until I come over to yours on Sunday, for that roast you promised me.’
Her sarcasm dug deep. I’ve never had my mother visit any home I’ve lived in. I’ve never cooked for her; she’s never seen a single thing I’ve ever chosen for my teenage walls or my adult home. One day she was there, then she was gone. And she never came back.
‘It was bad,’ I said. ‘You can’t understand: you weren’t there.’ I was still talking about Jack’s short stint at nursery, but I think we both knew that I was talking about other things as well.
She must have, because she leaned back and looked around the room. Normally I could read her expression, but then I couldn’t. Instantly I felt bad – she didn’t want to leave me, she just wanted to protect me. It wasn’t until I had Jack that I realised just how awful it must’ve been for her. It must’ve been torture. Perhaps it still was.