Chapters (87)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- Extract from To Keep You Safe
- About the Author
The silence stretched on between us. On the other side of the hall, a prisoner had started to raise her voice to her male visitor. My mother watched them, the whole time rubbing her pinkie fingernail against the pad of her thumb – back and forth, back and forth. It was a sign that she was agitated. I know this is because she views the other women as her responsibility. She’s been here five minutes yet she’s already queen of this prison too, top dog again, unofficially in charge. She’s earned her place as a lifer, but how she’s made it to the top after only five minutes at Send, I don’t know.
Maybe I wouldn’t want to.
‘Do you know her?’ I asked, indicating subtly with my head in the direction of the angry prisoner. Of course she did, but I wanted to hear that she did, that that was the reason for her annoyance. Not me.
‘Shhh,’ she said, and continued to watch.
I thought: that’s it now, she’s annoyed and now she’s not going to say anything else to me until the end of the visit. We’ll have to wait out the rest of the time in silence.
I was free to get up and leave any time I wanted to, but only once had I done that to her, walked out in front of everyone, before the bell rang signalling our time was up. Everyone would see; everyone would know we’d had an argument. I knew that Mum was so proud of me, her only child, and I loved her very much and would never want to suggest anything other than that.
But we didn’t sit in silence because the other prisoner’s argument stopped as soon as it started, and then Mum relaxed and started talking about her gardening. I played along, asking questions in the right places, but all I could think about was that I’d come here for a plan and I’d now leave without one.
When visiting time was up, my mother reached for me and hugged me, clearly not caring that it wasn’t allowed. I inhaled her smell and felt ridiculously comforted by her embrace. The relief brought tears stinging to my eyes.
‘I’m sorry, Lisa, if today hasn’t gone well. I’m sorry if there was something you wanted to say but couldn’t. Honey, I know you don’t like writing detail in your letters, but they don’t read them as closely as you think and anyway –’ she rubbed her thumb down my cheek – ‘the screws do understand that people have problems. You mustn’t feel judged. We are all just people on God’s earth, trying to make it out of the scrum alive.’