Chapters (87)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- Extract from To Keep You Safe
- About the Author
‘Can I . . .?’ I said, reaching for him after a few minutes. I felt envious – of her or him, I wasn’t sure. It wasn’t just that I wanted her attention and guidance, it was that Jack had been so tense recently, and seeing him happy with my mother just reinforced the idea that perhaps it was because of me, because we were so close (too close, Nick said). ‘I’ve got your tea here.’
‘I’m just saying hello.’ She continued her game without even looking up. ‘And if you can’t already tell, I’m ignoring you, Lisa, because you fuss too much. The tea will need to cool and Jack will not break –’ she paused to blow a raspberry on his neck and his scream of happiness was so loud it drew glances (except from the officers) – ‘nor will he smash or fall apart –’ another raspberry – ‘from a big, happy cuddle from his nana who loves him.’
I dropped my hands to my lap and waited, powerless.
The seconds and minutes ticked on.
Eventually, she handed Jack back. By the time she did, I was near tears with frustration. I had travelled for hours for one reason and it was being thwarted.
Apparently she noticed this: ‘You need to relax more.’ She set him up with his reading book and then reached for her tea. For a minute she simply sipped from her plastic cup and smiled at me. ‘You’re too tense,’ she finally announced. ‘I can tell you now, you don’t get that from me.’ She leaned forward, observing me like a new type of animal, as if trying to classify it for the first time. ‘You get that from your father – he was always too uptight and it was not good for him. Now, come on, I want to hear from you. You’ve clearly got something on your mind and now Jack’s had his cuddle, I want to hear what’s what.’
I wanted to confide – felt desperate to – but how could I now Jack was awake? He sat settled, reading his book, but I never trusted that he wouldn’t soon pick up on what we were saying. It was crushing, because I desperately wanted to seek her counsel, but it was now out of the question – the chance was gone.
‘I’m fine,’ I said brightly, feeling anything but.
‘You know what fine means in therapy terms?’ She didn’t wait for me to answer: ‘Fucked up. Insecure. Neurotic and over-Emotional. Get it?’ She laughed and I burst into tears.
She dried my eyes, and I tried to laugh it off, but it was too accurate. Eventually, she said: ‘I’m sorry, darling. You’re so fragile.’ She dabbed at me with a tissue, kissed me on the cheek and then sent me a poison dart: ‘Perhaps you should go back to work, Lisa. At your age, you should be building your career.’