Chapters (87)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- Extract from To Keep You Safe
- About the Author
‘I would mind.’ Irritation itched: I wanted to talk about more important things than whether Jack napped.
‘You never slept either. Golly, you were a trial.’
‘Trust me, the trial is travelling here,’ I said, more stung now than irritated. ‘One more disrupted night is worth the peace for me driving on the motorway or queueing to get into this prison, or when I’m being searched. Schlepping us two hours here and two hours back takes it out of me, Mum, and if he’s asleep for some of it, then he’s one less thing to worry about.’
She held the pushchair, her thumb skating up and down as if she was thinking hard about something.
Instantly, I felt annoyed with myself. I didn’t want to admit I found the journey hard work, because I wanted to protect her from my anxieties. And this was not the mood I wanted to create. ‘I’m sorry, Mum, I love seeing you, so does Jack – you know that.’
‘I’m sorry that he has to see me here. I’m sorry that you did too. Hard for a little kid, I realise that.’
Hard for a daughter any age, I wanted to say, but instead I said: ‘It’s fine, I’m just grumpy, that’s all. Tired – like I said.’
‘I know you aren’t yourself, Lisa. Are you and Nick OK?’
I made the mistake of taking a minute to steady myself. A cup of tea would help. ‘Hold that thought,’ I told her, begged two minutes and grabbed my purse so I could buy us both a cup of tea from the WRVS ladies.
When I came back, I nearly dropped the two plastic cups of stewed tea I was carrying. My mother had Jack out of his pushchair and he was sitting on her lap, laughing. Clearly, the antihistamine had worn off. Jack was holding his chin up really high, and she was looking under it, pretending to look for something. ‘There! I found it – I knew the tickle was hiding there!’
‘More, more,’ he squealed and she gave him a last tickle before clasping him tightly to her large bosom.
Usually, I felt glad to see their bond as it made the journey worthwhile to reunite them both and I loved seeing how he responded to her, but right then, I felt cheated. I might be grown up, but I needed her.
I pouted, hating myself for it and for not speaking up: You said I could talk to you! I watched mutely as my mother started a new tickle game with him: ‘Naughty Jack! Hiding my tickle from me . . . let me see if I can find it!’ Jack laughed and begged for more.
I look round to catch the eye of one of the prison officers, but no one was paying attention to us.