Chapters (87)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- Extract from To Keep You Safe
- About the Author
I thought this as I gently pushed the sleeping Jack. I loved him when he was asleep. His eyelashes were longer than most children’s – longer than mine even – and they lay like a delicate kiss against his apricot cheeks. His mouth was a soft blush and if I leaned closer I could hear his gentle breaths.
My name was called by an officer with a clipboard. I got up with a small group and left the waiting room by a different door. Like obedient school children we filed down the corridor and stepped into the visiting hall.
Mesh covered the windows, restraining the bruised sky behind them. Harsh lighting glared. The room was dotted with low tables and grouped chairs, one orange chair amongst three grey chairs at each table.
I saw my mum lift her hand in greeting and I pushed Jack towards her.
She stood to meet me; she was taller than most women and broad-shouldered, perhaps a little overweight. She had chestnut brown hair that reached her shoulders when she wore it loose, but time seemed to stroke grey into it more and more each time I saw her. She gave me only the briefest of kisses: but it was warm and made me feel like I was wanted. It was all we were allowed in case I passed any contraband to her.
She held me briefly by the shoulders: ‘My darling girl.’ Then she stared at me closely, as if I wore my new loneliness as punch marks on my face. ‘How are you, Lisa?’
‘How are you, Mum?’
She stared at me with her conker-coloured eyes, seeing me better than anyone ever did. ‘You’ve ignored my question,’ she gently grumbled as she settled her large body back into her chair. She was wearing denim dungarees and they suited her. Her fringe had been cut shorter and I could see her eyebrows; they too seemed a little grey and I felt nerves crawl in my stomach that time was not standing still.
‘I’m just tired,’ I told her – this was safe ground. I was always tired.
She touched the skin on my cheekbones. ‘You need more iron. And more fun.’ It felt lovely to be touched by my mum – I’ve never had to doubt how much she loved me.
Her shrewd stare shifted to a sleeping Jack. ‘You shouldn’t let him nap during the day, then he’d sleep through the night. He’s turned three and far, far too old for it – and for the pram.’
‘Buggy, Mum – prams are for babies. All kids develop at different rates – boys can be a bit later with things. Besides, the travel here wears him out and trust me, nothing makes him sleep through the night – me and Nick have tried everything. Besides, if I woke him up now, he’d be a grumpy loud three-year-old.’
‘Nobody would mind.’