Chapters (87)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- Extract from To Keep You Safe
- About the Author
Feeling fierce yet fragile, I arrived at Irene’s to collect Jack. Although I hadn’t told her I was coming early, she was friendly and ushered me into her neatly kept terraced house. Irene was the most organised person I knew, her home prim with the same precision she applied to her tidy appearance. Irene – although a little too bossy at times – was worthy of respect: she’d had three boys, all one year apart, and I was lucky to have her help.
Jack was playing trains on the floor, but he ran to me. ‘Mummy, home, home, home.’ he said into my waist. Sometimes I worried about Jack’s limited speech, but whenever I broached the subject with Nick, all he would say was that Jack should go to nursery so he could widen his social pool. It was amazing how nursery had become the panacea for every ill.
Normally, I’d be happy to sit and have a natter with Irene, but today I wanted to get Jack and go. My head was full of tumbling thoughts: it was if Issy had jump-started me out of inertia. Her solution wasn’t right for me, but humiliated, I now felt determined to find one that was. A walk home via the park with my son was just what I needed to focus my thoughts.
I’d readied an excuse to decline a cup of tea without seeming rude, but she didn’t offer, instead just dismissing me with: ‘No, dear, you must get going if you’re busy,’ and let me go. Because she was so lonely, I’d never normally get away so easily, so I became gripped by paranoia: did she know Nick and I were arguing? Had he told her about last night? Did she see a future where I was no longer her daughter-in-law and she was already making the mental break from me?
As we left, Jack hugged me tightly and was so reluctant to walk, I hoicked him onto my hip. Despite the weight, I took the longer route home to give me time to think.
We walked the long road that bordered the park and I enjoyed being out of the suffocating café and away from Irene’s. We walked amongst a line of sycamores, the russet, red and golden leaves lifting my spirits. I held Jack koala-close, pleased to have him to cling to. I breathed in his scrummy smell and kissed his face, allowing my tears to fall.
‘Why are you crying, Mummy?’
‘I’m just so happy to see you, darling,’ I said, wiping my eyes. ‘I really missed you this morning.’