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Back What I Did
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

First, I’d asked Irene if she could have Jack for the day, but it wasn’t her day to have him and she had a busy diary. Normally, I would’ve turned to one of my NCT friends to have him, but that was now out of the question. Then, unexpected joy of joys, I realised that Nick was rota’d a day off on visiting day, and I’d asked him: ‘Would you be able to have Jack?’

His response was to actually laugh. ‘Not on my day off, love. I’ve got golf with the boys from work.’

But he offered me the car so at least I’d be spared the hideous train journey followed by the seven mile prison visitor shuttle bus.

If I were to take Jack, then I accepted that I had to do our ‘usual’, as I so quaintly called it. When Nadia had flown with their baby on a plane, she’d confessed to us that she’d slipped her daughter a little antihistamine, knowing it would make her drowsy. I’d never taken Jack abroad, but she’d given me the idea and I’d tried it. It worked and became part of our ‘usual’ routine for travelling to prison, alongside buying him a new book and a packet of something chewy that would take an age to eat. I always felt lousy doing it, but children’s doses of antihistamine are pretty harmless and my training as a nurse gave me a little confidence that I knew what I was doing. I told myself that since he seemed to hate loud noises and the clanging and banging of metal doors could scare him, this would be better for him. That was true, but so was the fact that nothing was straightforward about visiting my mother in prison, so I found it easier to have him calm and a little drowsy. It worked so well, we even called it the Sleepy. ‘Time for Sleepy!’ I said, before telling him to ‘open wide!’ and feeding him the medicine.

He took the spoon from me and sucked it like a lolly. I’d tasted it: it was loaded with sugar. ‘Any more Sleepy?’ he asked hopefully.

‘No darling, that’s just the usual to help with the journey.’

‘We are going to see Nana today,’ he said knowledgably.

Yes, I answered silently. And she’s going to give us the solutions to our problems. I had a quick thought about what was ahead of me and then said: ‘Actually, give me the spoon back – now you’re a bigger boy you could probably have a fraction more.’