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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

I think she saved all of our lives. I hear enough from Nick to know that he thinks the same and is telling them so.

He commands Erica to leave the gun outside, clearly broken open. He watches whilst she does it and then informs the operator that it has been done. Then he tells her to sit at the table, with her hands where he can see them. He is communicating with the police the whole time. She is lucky he is a senior police officer. But I’m not going to worry about Erica’s future. She did the right thing. The truth will out. I stop listening.

My life is over.

I kneel back down, as close to him as I can.

‘Jack?’

His eyes flicker open. ‘Lisa?’ he says, then, focusing on me, he says the sweetest thing: ‘Mum.’ That word he hasn’t said in so long. There’s so much I want to say. Instead, he’s dying. His mouth works, but no sound is made.

I lay a light hand on his shoulder and get even closer. Now it’s just the two of us. I ignore the stink of blood. ‘Jack,’ I falter and try again. So little time. ‘Jack. I love you. I’m sorry for what I got wrong.’

He smiles a little but his gaze is vague – it’s on me, then not, then back again. ‘When I was a little kid . . . I found a newspaper article.’

I shake my head a little. At first I don’t know what he means, and then my blood runs cold because I do know.

‘I thought . . .’ He’s struggling to breathe. The blood is spreading from him fast, covering the world, smothering it, ending it. ‘I thought . . .’ He looks at me with searching eyes. ‘Is it true? Did I guess right?’

My hand props me against the floor, now surrounded with blood. It’s warm with life. I lean closer to my son. His breath is on my skin and mine is on his. Our eyes are finally together. ‘Jack . . .’ I don’t think I can find the words that convey my depth of feeling. ‘Jack, you were always – and will always be – my boy. There’s nothing you could do –’ I think of losing Nick, my Sunningdale residents and my mother, and know it’s disappointingly and painfully true – ‘there’s nothing that could ever make me not love you.’ I smooth his hair away from his sweating forehead and even manage a smile. ‘You’ve been the hardest thing I ever had to deal with, but darling, you’ve always been the best, best thing I ever had in my life. I love you, baby.’

‘You killed your dad.’