Chapters (87)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- Extract from To Keep You Safe
- About the Author
Before I’d even reached the kitchen, I realised my life was over. I knew then that I would have to lead him much further from this flat. With Winston dead and now this, there could be no remaining here – Nick just wouldn’t ever be safe. And if he felt that – knew that – he would call Social Services and Jack would be taken away. Perhaps that wasn’t true, perhaps it didn’t work like that, but I wasn’t prepared to wait and find out.
If I had to choose between losing Jack or losing Nick, then I made my choice right then. I decided we would go away; somewhere on our own. Somewhere where no one could get hurt. I was prepared to risk myself for my son. I also understood there was no one else who could do this for him – there was only me.
I didn’t want him to do what I did: hurt someone and then spend the rest of his life secretly suffering.
I stayed in the kitchen. I knew I should speak to Jack, but I couldn’t. I had no words. Our life as a family was over now; how could I sleep knowing what Jack could do in the night? Some people would say that it’s love that underpins family life, but it isn’t.
It’s trust.
Wordlessly, I took him a Jaffa Cake and a Ribena. I didn’t want to treat him, I just wanted to keep him quiet. I needed time to think. I hid back in the kitchen, found Nick’s whisky and poured myself an inch. I downed it and then poured another. But I didn’t drink it. The brute burn of alcohol reminded me I needed to go somewhere, anywhere. I knew I needed to pick somewhere to run to so I could leave Nick safely behind. I gripped the glass; I loved Nick, that’d never been in question. He had his faults, but I still remembered the man before we had our son. It was our love that meant I had to leave. I had to protect him from both his son and from difficult, hideous choices, because, in the end, it’s protecting people that’s true love. My mother taught me that.
Just as she stepped up, so I decided I must.
I thought of my dad then; so abruptly did he come to me that I put down my glass before I dropped it. He was funny, so funny – just the best sense of humour. Like Jack, he was incredibly talented with art too – drew me a cartoon of anything I asked for. I remember his smell: cigarettes, aftershave and whisky. Jack looks like him, I thought.