Chapters (87)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- Extract from To Keep You Safe
- About the Author
‘I never felt safe with you. You’ll keep my son safe, but never me. You know why I kicked off when you took me into the prison? Why you had to start giving me Sleepy? Because I thought you were just going to forget about me and leave me there. Just like you did to Ted. Do you remember Ted, Lisa?’
Ice. In. My. Veins.
‘You do, don’t you? Oh, yes, Lisa, my teddy who I just loved so much. Like Jack loves Bunny now. Except he’s eight and he still has his. You’ve managed not to fuck him up and lose his precious toy, I notice. Go on, let’s test your legendary memory. What age was I when you left my Ted behind, in prison?’
Two. Jack was just two.
‘I bet you never had to give me Sleepy before then, did you?’
I’m so cold. He’s right, I know it. Giving him Sleepy started after then. I don’t know why I didn’t see it. Yes I do. It’s because I didn’t want to.
It was my last visit to my mum at Holloway prison, before she was moved. It was the only time I’d walked out on my mum during a visit, crossing the visiting hall before the bell, shaming her that I was leaving before our time was up. We’d had a row about something, I can’t even remember what, and I was so furious with her, I ignored the crying Jack, thrusting him along in his buggy – You were so angry, Lisa – all the way to the tube station. We had boarded our train at Kings Cross before I lost my temper with his crying and moaning and finally noticed him. And I heard him, properly and realised what he’d known all the time: that his precious, most loved, Ted, was left behind in the prison.
I’d try to reassure him. I hadn’t yet got a mobile phone but I told him I’d ring as soon as we got home, that the prison officers would send it on, that we couldn’t go back – and we couldn’t, I couldn’t – but he wouldn’t be calmed.
Ted did come in the post within a week, sent on by the prison to our home. But Jack never wanted it again. Wouldn’t have it on his bed; insisted it stay in his wardrobe. He said Ted had been changed and said Ted wanted to take him back to prison in revenge for leaving him there. It took Nadia’s trick of antihistamine to get him to step back inside a prison again.