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Back What I Did Save as PDF
Chapters (87)
  1. Cover
  2. Praise
  3. Dedication
  4. One
  5. Two
  6. Three
  7. Four
  8. Five
  9. Six
  10. Seven
  11. Eight
  12. Nine
  13. Ten
  14. Eleven
  15. Twelve
  16. Thirteen
  17. Fourteen
  18. Fifteen
  19. Sixteen
  20. Seventeen
  21. Eighteen
  22. Nineteen
  23. Twenty
  24. Twenty-One
  25. Twenty-Two
  26. Twenty-Three
  27. Twenty-Four
  28. Twenty-Five
  29. Twenty-Six
  30. Twenty-Seven
  31. Twenty-Eight
  32. Twenty-Nine
  33. Thirty
  34. Thirty-One
  35. Thirty-Two
  36. Thirty-Three
  37. Thirty-Four
  38. Thirty-Five
  39. Thirty-Six
  40. Thirty-Seven
  41. Thirty-Eight
  42. Thirty-Nine
  43. Forty
  44. Forty-One
  45. Forty-Two
  46. Forty-Three
  47. Forty-Four
  48. Forty-Five
  49. Forty-Six
  50. Forty-Seven
  51. Forty-Eight
  52. Forty-Nine
  53. Fifty
  54. Fifty-One
  55. Fifty-Two
  56. Fifty-Three
  57. Fifty-Four
  58. Fifty-Five
  59. Fifty-Six
  60. Fifty-Seven
  61. Fifty-Eight
  62. Fifty-Nine
  63. Sixty
  64. Sixty-One
  65. Sixty-Two
  66. Sixty-Three
  67. Sixty-Four
  68. Sixty-Five
  69. Sixty-Six
  70. Sixty-Seven
  71. Sixty-Eight
  72. Sixty-Nine
  73. Seventy
  74. Seventy-One
  75. Seventy-Two
  76. Seventy-Three
  77. Seventy-Four
  78. Seventy-Five
  79. Seventy-Six
  80. Seventy-Seven
  81. Seventy-Eight
  82. Seventy-Nine
  83. Eighty
  84. Epilogue
  85. Acknowledgements
  86. Extract from To Keep You Safe
  87. About the Author

The best thing I could do was watch and wait. But how could I not want the best for my son and for Jack? After all, I loved them both. I didn’t ring Nick back either – I didn’t want to push it with him or Anne-Marie. I’d save him for emergencies, I decided, and week after week, there was no emergency.

But it didn’t take long for it to go wrong.

I still always attended the school pick-up on a Friday, and then one day, just eleven weeks after my son started turning up, he simply wasn’t there. I saw Jack’s wide-eyed search amongst the waiting parents for his dad. Clearly confused, in the end Jack allowed me to take him home. He tried to hide his tears from me, but he was only six. I hugged him close and promised to ring his dad. He didn’t answer when I did.

That weekend, I did my best to lift Jack’s spirits. But I felt let down too – again I had been too easily trusting. I thought we wouldn’t see him again, but then the next Friday, he was there in the school playground as if nothing had happened. Jack ran to him and my hope withered.

After three months, the arrangement continued to deteriorate. But we never discussed it – if I tried, my son simply shut me down. Our only contact had always been, and continued to be, as strained and brief as a divorcing couple. Every Sunday morning, at 9.30 a.m., he’d simply pass me Jack’s school bag and say the same thing: ‘We’ve done his spellings homework.’ Then regardless of whether we would, he always said: ‘See you next Friday, Lisa,’ before shutting the door in my face.

I became frustrated and angry. It was one thing to muck me around, but my heart bruised for Jack. His stammer began to get worse again and he started biting his nails on Thursdays, anxious, asking me if I thought that his dad would turn up tomorrow. He’d struggle to sleep and on Friday mornings, would be dark-eyed and edgy.

When he turned up on the Friday afternoon to collect Jack, my grandson’s face was an unwavering beam of love for his father. Their time together was still great – when it happened. I hated weekends without Jack, but began to like them more than weekends with Jack – it was better to know that he was happy, than to have to deal with a disappointed little boy.

My hope for them waxed and waned depending on my son’s ability to turn up; it never gained enough strength to became a full flame. Instead, sometimes it was little more than a flicker on a damp wick, sometimes it burnt much brighter, yet sometimes it seemed not to be alight at all.