Chapters (87)
- Cover
- Praise
- Dedication
- One
- Two
- Three
- Four
- Five
- Six
- Seven
- Eight
- Nine
- Ten
- Eleven
- Twelve
- Thirteen
- Fourteen
- Fifteen
- Sixteen
- Seventeen
- Eighteen
- Nineteen
- Twenty
- Twenty-One
- Twenty-Two
- Twenty-Three
- Twenty-Four
- Twenty-Five
- Twenty-Six
- Twenty-Seven
- Twenty-Eight
- Twenty-Nine
- Thirty
- Thirty-One
- Thirty-Two
- Thirty-Three
- Thirty-Four
- Thirty-Five
- Thirty-Six
- Thirty-Seven
- Thirty-Eight
- Thirty-Nine
- Forty
- Forty-One
- Forty-Two
- Forty-Three
- Forty-Four
- Forty-Five
- Forty-Six
- Forty-Seven
- Forty-Eight
- Forty-Nine
- Fifty
- Fifty-One
- Fifty-Two
- Fifty-Three
- Fifty-Four
- Fifty-Five
- Fifty-Six
- Fifty-Seven
- Fifty-Eight
- Fifty-Nine
- Sixty
- Sixty-One
- Sixty-Two
- Sixty-Three
- Sixty-Four
- Sixty-Five
- Sixty-Six
- Sixty-Seven
- Sixty-Eight
- Sixty-Nine
- Seventy
- Seventy-One
- Seventy-Two
- Seventy-Three
- Seventy-Four
- Seventy-Five
- Seventy-Six
- Seventy-Seven
- Seventy-Eight
- Seventy-Nine
- Eighty
- Epilogue
- Acknowledgements
- Extract from To Keep You Safe
- About the Author
Jack giggled. ‘Both nights,’ he said. He looked at me, his face lit with amusement.
‘Hmmm,’ I said, before Jack giggled again.
‘What’s so funny?’
‘Daddy said you wouldn’t like me having it twice in a row – but he let me choose.’
I smiled back at his laughter, and actually – to my utter amazement – realised I meant it. I liked the idea of them having a shared joke. I liked the idea that Jack had been a bit spoilt. I even liked them poking fun at me a little – perhaps I was being too optimistic, but it felt affectionate.
After the terrible worry I’d suffered, I was delighted for this peaceful anticlimax. Not only was Jack safe, but he was happy. I’d survived. My son had stuck to his word and I had Jack back, when he said I would. I relaxed – the tiniest, tiniest fraction.
Within three more weeks, I began to even feel magnanimous. Jack had always sung to himself, but now he was never without a tune. He’d started to ace his spelling tests and told me that: ‘Daddy showed me a new way to learn.’
Daddy.
Part of me simply glowed to think of my own son finally finding his way with his own boy. It wasn’t just that it was a good thing for Jack, it was also great for my son. It felt like he was waking up to his responsibilities as a parent. Of course, it made me feel good about myself – how I worried I had screwed my son up! – but Jack was so rewarding, so delightful, how could his father not find it wonderful to have him in his life?
The possibility that he’d just get bored and stumble off as he normally did remained, although the permanence of his new flat gave me something to hope for. And when he turned up the next week and the next, I relaxed a tiny bit more.
I was impressed with the flat. I was never invited in, but it was in a very nice block. He must’ve been making good money, although how, I was still unclear. When I asked Jack if he knew whether his dad had a job, he said that he worked in ‘phones’, but whatever that meant, I never found out. Although I was pleased, I still struggled to mentally align this successful, working man to the stoned teenager who was so resistant to work. Sometimes, in darker moments – usually on Friday nights which remained hard for me – I thought of leopards and spots, but I also recognised that he was older and time and regret could change anyone. Plus, Jack was older too, and to the fickleness of someone like my son, possibly more engaging than a baby.